An adolescent is not a child

It's one thing when kids don't follow everything their parents have taught them, but it's another thing when they seem "pissed off" at their parents, the world, and God. I have watched kids who by every outward indication looked like beautiful, innocent Christian children turn into people I would be intimidated by if I didn't know them and just saw them at the mall. For some of the kids, I can pin-point what went wrong. They were abused by their father or their father had an affair when he was supposed to be a God-fearing, Bible scholar. It is quite obvious to me that kids can forgive their parents for a lot of sins, but one sin they can't seem to tolerate is that of serious hypocrisy. (For this reason, I try very hard NOT to be a hypocrite, and that is probably why I am almost too honest with my kids about my sins).

However, there are plenty of wild kids who I can not figure out why they have gone in the opposite direction with an "in your face" attitude. These are the kids who make the pit of my stomach ache. Stuart says that the kids have "free will", so we need to be ready for that as they get older. Yes, but I wouldn't be a the regular, Christian mom I am if I didn't try my best to encourage decisions I know to be good and right.

I always used to think that if you express a lot of love for your teen and do things that are fun with them, they at least won't be angrily rebellious, just the normal rebellious that comes as they are trying to assert their independence from you. However, as they are sarcastic and sometimes even mocking and when they continually want to challenge my ideas, it's harder to be loving. Plus, their peers have become so important to them, and they want to have fun with their friends, not with their parents as much.

My friend sent me this Article called "An Adolescent is NOT a Child". Here are the quotes that I liked from this article:

"An adolescent is a young person who, around the ages of 9 to 13, begins to push for more separation (time with peers), more opposition (argument and delay), more differentiation (alternative interests), and more experimentation (testing limits) in order to start becoming more individual, independent, and grown up."

I had to laugh at the part of the quote that says opposition includes "delay". Delay is definitely a form of behavior that I see every Sunday. Delay....as we wait in the car for her to join us to in the car to go to church. Delay....as she slowly saunters out to the car as if she didn't have a care in the world. Delay....as she finishes brushing her hair and putting on makeup in the car once we get to the church. I do put limits on how long she can delay, but I also let her delay because, to me, this is a battle I don't want to fight too hard against. I am happy she has never balked or rebelled against going to church on Sundays. I'm happy that she really likes our priest and so many other adults at our church. So, it's nice to read that this delay strategy is normal.

"Don't take your child's adolescence personally. Your son or daughter is not "doing adolescence" to get you or to get you upset. She is doing it FOR herself, for her own growth, unmindful of you. She is too self-centered to think about the effects of her changes on you.
Don't treat adolescence as a punishable offense. It is a process of growth. Accept the process, but hold the young person accountable for the choices she makes as the process unfolds."

Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. It's a process of growth! My new mantra.

"The ultimate parental challenge during adolescence is this: how can parents stay meaningfully connected with their teenager as adolescence is growing them apart."

I understand even more now the admonition to pick and choose your battles wisely, but looking for those opportunities and being available for when they need support and guidance. And I still think it is imperative to look for ways to have fun together, but maybe that is more important for me than for them. ;)