Two inches from the ground

It's the inevitable.

It's going to happen no matter what. That ugly, distorted, grimy side of life is going to take over my world for awhile. Still, there is no other choice but to fight it. There is no other choice but to do all to survive it.

It's the moment when I know I'm going to hit the car in front of me, but I slam down on the breaks in vain, anyway. It's the moment when my head is telling my body to stabilize itself before I land on my face, but I know my body is too slow to stop it.

Gravel is all I see because my face is already 2 inches from the ground.

I wish I could stop the momentum towards crisis. I wish I could push rewind on life and go back and erase it this time. Or at least I could push pause, and let there be some reprieve from it. for awhile.

I can't. It's final. I can't go back. I can't stop it.

It's looming at my door, laughing at my utter powerlessness, mocking my complete vulnerability.

I see the squalid, dank, dark hallway leading me to it. There's only one way, and it's to go through it.

This is not the way it was supposed to be, but it is the way it is.

Yes, it is the way it is, and my face is two inches from the ground.

And all I see is gravel.

Reflections on Katherine's freshman year

Today, Katherine left for school at 6:40 AM for band practice at 7. School will get out at 4, and then she'll go with her friends to Sonic for dinner. Then, she'll load onto the flute bus at 5:30 to go to the game where the band will perform, and they'll play in the stands. Then, she is supposed to get home at 11 PM. She's loving it.

Her piano teacher has had 3 children who have already gone through the high school days, so she knows how it is. When Katherine told her piano teacher that she was going to be in the band, her teacher told her that she would lose Kath to the band because she would no longer have time for piano with all of the time that goes into school and band. Kath was/is determined though that she is going to finish the last set of piano books before she stops taking piano altogether.

She had planned to continue with her piano lessons, but after being in school for the last two weeks, she finally came to the realization (with my prodding) that she simply doesn't have time to practice piano these days, and it's one more stress she doesn't need as she becomes acclamated to high school. I told Katherine that it is a waste of our money and her and her teacher's time if she can't practice.

Finally, Kath came up with the idea that maybe she could take a sabatical from it for the fall semester while there are band practices every school morning, every Tuesday afternoon, and games on Fridays. She thinks she can fit it in this spring, though. She asked if I would ask Mrs. W (piano teacher) if that would be okay.

When I talked to Mrs. W about it, she said, "Well, why don't we bring Tobias on in her place." I told her that I wasa thinking the same thing, but I didn't want to have more than 3 children taking piano at one time, so Tobias would have to take a sabatical in the spring when Kath starts back up again.

Mrs. W said, "I know Kath has the best intentions, but I can predict that she still won't have time in the spring either. There will be band concerts, solo and ensemble competitions, school work, and many other activities that will consume her time, but she just doesn't know that yet."

Mrs. W went onto say, "Once they get into high school, they really have left the nest. You just hope and pray that you did a good enough job, and then let them do their thing, and hope that the mistakes they make won't be too big."

I couldn't believe it. A flood of tears came to my eyes. I have been thinking that, too, subconsciously, but hadn't really let myself acknowledge it lately. I've been kind of numb with losing Fr. J's family and my daughter in a way in the last few weeks.

My visit with Mrs. W was supposed to be quick as I was on my way out to pick up Kath from school, and here we were having this very personal, emotional conversation.

She said, "You really should congratulate yourself. You've done a great job with Kath, and I don't see her going off and really rebelling. Your kids are all very even-keeled and seem to have good heads on their shoulders."

That was so nice to hear from someone who has been working with my kids for the past six years. I've made some huge mistakes along the way that I truly wish I could go back and change, but thanks to God's loving grace and provision, they are doing better than I would have imagined.

During the first days of school, Katherine was constantly going over everything she was bringing to school and would ask me if there was anything she was possibly forgetting. Finally, I told her that she should write down a checklist of everything she knows she needs each day and then go through it each morning.

Last night, I peeked in her room to ask her something, and I noticed something on her wall. It was a printed out list of what she needs each day, for "A" days and for "B" days. She had also nailed a small dry erase board on her wall (she had acted like she so urgently needed that, that I thought it was for a class!). On the board, she is writing all of her homework assignments that need to be done so she doesn't forget.

I tell you, that girl has goals! It is very gratifying to see that she still listens to my suggestions and wants my opinions as she decides what to do in various situations.

Stuart and I are no longer directing her and leading her as much, but instead we are moving into a role where we will walk along side of her, guide her, and support her.  I guess we'll be releasing her more and more as the days go by.

Tobias transitions to homeschooling

I can't get over how much happier Tobias seems to be homeschooling. He is motivated, and he feels good about getting all of his school work done. Last year, he used to moan and groan whenever I would suggest that he and I read together. I think he was tired from school, and he was constantly playing over and over in his head how far behind he was from his fellow classmates. Now, reading together is the first thing he wants to do out of his list of school work items to accomplish, so obviously, his reading is improving.

I asked his teacher at CCI how he was doing in class. She said he was doing great and that he seems to know e-ver-y-thing. I said, "Well, I hope he is not talking too much." She said, "No, but there are times when I have to say, 'Let's hear from someone other than Tobias because we know he knows the answer.' "

Tobias also started Taekwondo this year and piano lessons!

Overall, Tobias seems more settled and stabled with this new flexibility/activities in his life. I feel with every fiber of my being that homeschooling Tobias this year was completely the right decision. I feel very thankful that we have the option to do this with him.

Koukla!

During church, I hear my daughter chant the harmonies of all of the hymns of our church throughout the whole service. It soothes my spirit in the midst of my sadness. I see the newly baptized, little baby girl being held by her daddy looking at everyone behind her with alert and innocent eyes. The proud grandpa kisses his cherished little granddauhter. Our priest gives communion to every single person in line. He doesn't allow our deacon to join him this time because he "selfishly" wants to not miss anyone. Many people look how I feel, kind of emotionally spent, kind of worried, and kind of lonely. Tears in lots of people's eyes. The altar boys come out from behind the altar...a brotherhood of servants. A little girl with wide eyes unabashedly kisses her tall daddy's cheeks while his face gets all squinched up.

The very young children don't know what is happening, so they are as happy as ever. The older people seem to have more of a look of grim determination. They've lost priests before, but even they feel sad.

This is our last Sunday for our priest to officially serve as OUR priest.

Tobias asks quietly,"Can you believe this is the last time we'll see Father."

I say, "Oh no. We'll see him. We'll go visit him in Houston, and he'll visit Austin sometimes, too. I guarantee this is not the last time we'll see him."

"Well, this is the last time he'll be at our church as OUR priest," his voice trails off.

In order to make both of us feel better, I insist, "No, he'll always be our priest, but yeah, I know what you mean. It is really sad."

Tobias wonders, "Well, do you think our church will still be here when I grow up?" Some of the security he feels about our church must be temporarily crumbling with the leaving of our priest. I tell him with great confidence, "Of course! It will definitely still be here."

"Well, we're talking 30 years from now. Will it still be here, then?"

"Oh yeah, there are churches that have been here for hundreds of years."

I should have told him that Christ's church has been here for 2000+ years, but I knew he was thinking about our physical church here in Austin. So that's where my mind was, too.

"Well, will there still be some of the same people at our church?" I told him there would. "Will I get to be an usher then? Don't I have to be voted onto the parish council to do that? How much longer will dad be on the parish council? Will you try to get on the council when dad finishes?"

All of Tobias's questions reflect his uneasiness about losing the rock of our church, our beloved priest.

I was blessed to have confession with Father yesterday. He told me that our bishop refers to our church as a "Koukla", which is an affectionate Greek word for a sweet young girl who is a doll. Father said that as beautiful as our physical church is, the people of our church are even more beautiful and our bishop knows this. Hearing this term of endearment from our ex-Marine bishop to describe our church made my heart soften towards him. "Koukla" does fit our church quite well because we are a young parish. There is a liveliness and a sweetness in our church which I'm so grateful for. Koukla!

Today during his homily, Father talked about three widows in our community who quietly gave $250,000 of their money in order to start our parish. He talked about how they invested what they had for something that would last...our church, something that would help so many people...our church.

Something that would last until Christ's return.....our church.

Such a perfect thing to say for Tobias, for me, for all of us as we go through this insecure time without a priest.

Father thoughtfully made a point to hug every single person at church today on our way out which further demonstrated the kind of individual care he gave to all of us. What a kind parting gift. My older friend, Koula, watched him and said, "I'll be happy if we can just get a priest half as good as him. Our loss is Houston's gain."

I know it won't be easy for him and his family as they are in a brand new place with added pressure, but I have confidence that he and his family will bring new energy, love, and light to this older parish in Houston. I believe their presence will cause the Houston church to become a little more like a Koukla.

And we, as a church, will continue on until the second coming of Christ.

I couldn't live with it like that

Stuart does not like our computer room downstairs. Plain and simple. For lots of reasons. One of the reasons is that I painted the walls two different colors of blue. It's not the color he has a problem with. It's the fact that I didn't do such a good paint job. I like this room alot because the walls are overall the color I want them, and to me, it feels like a warm, friendly room. I don't notice the details that the corners and the top of the walls are not painted in a straight line. However, Stuart does notice that, among other things.

So the other day were over here. They complimented the pictures on the wall in the computer room. I said, "Well, Stuart can hardly stand to look at this room because of the bad paint job I did."

My friend looked at the walls and said,"Well, you know I couldn't live with it like this. I'd have to fix the lines so that it was straight." Wow. Okay.

Then, her husband said, "You know, you could put some molding up there and that would take care of it at the top of the walls." I said, "Oh, yeah....that would be pretty easy." I think he then said something like, "All you'd have to do would be to measure the walls. Get a miter saw and cut the molding to the right lengths, paint it, and then nail it up there." As soon as he said, "miter saw", I said, "Oh no. I couldn't do that." He said, "Okay. Why don't we do this. We'll come over, and I'll put the molding up, and Irene will touch up the lines in the corners. Believe me, she will get it perfectly straight." Anyone who knows Irene knows that, yes, 100%, she will get it absolutely straight! Irene agreed,"Yeah, we could do that one day. It wouldn't take more than a couple of hours, and we could paint your baseboards, too. Because they need it, too," she said with a bit of a smirk. I punched her arm at that point and laughed, "Okay...enough of your opinions, now!"

They said that in exchanged of them helping us out, we could take them out for dinner and a movie.

While I would be glad to take them up on it, Stuart won't because he is plenty capable of fixing this room and wouldn't feel good about having someone else do something he could easily do. However, I really liked this whole exchange because to me it defined what I consider a true friend: Someone who will tell you the truth about what they honestly believe. Someone who is willing to come along side you and help you. I almost always value honesty and openness over polite evasiveness, as long as I know that the person still accepts me in my weaknesses or if I disagree with them. I know they understand that I'm not detailed oriented visually, and they accept that. Finally, a true friend is someone who enjoys spending time together whether it is in work or play.

We are so blessed to have true friends like that!

Enjoy the good stuff!

 I know I should focus on and enjoy the good stuff, so I wonder: Why do I seem to like to think so much about the person who is critical or negative? Why do I want to think about who I think MIGHT be upset with me, who has failed me, who MIGHT not like me, or who has disappointed me? Why do I like to think about THOSE people as I'm driving, doing the dishes, or folding the clothes instead of my dear friends and the people that I love and want to support? Maybe the negative seems more interesting to figure out. Maybe it is my sinful bent that kind of wants to be in conflict with my fellow man. It would be one thing if I wanted to think about it in order to resolve it somehow, but instead, I want to think about what is wrong with them, or, I want to think about what is wrong with me, or what they think is wrong with me. I just enjoying cogitating on it in my mind. Sometimes through prayer, though, I do actually come to a place of acceptance and move on, but it does take prayer and God's love and peace.

And when I think about my past, I usually think about the most negative parts of my past, the parts that make me just want to emotionally crumple up. I'm not sure why that is my tendency, but I can see in my own kids that some of them tend to remember the positive more and some seem to remember the negative more. As I watch my kids grow up, and I relive my growing up years through their experiences, I am very surprised by how many wonderful memories of the good times, good friends, and good experiences begin to surface! For some reason, the hurtful, sad experiences and memories of my enemies typically have played a much larger role in my perspective of the past. While I do believe it's an innate part of my personality, I realize that it might help me to work harder to remember the good stuff from my past, and relish in the blessings of today. While I do tend to view my past in an overall negative light, I would say that I'm usually fairly positive about the present. I do appreciate my blessings, but still, I dwell on the negative or my fear of the negative more than I should. Yet, if someone was to ask me how I would describe my life, I would say that I have been blessed way more than I deserve.

In reality, bad things have and will happen. Challenges have come my way and will continue to come my way. Some people never liked me, and some people never will. I need to accept it, deal with it, and do whatever I can that would be beneficial, but I don't need to keep replaying it over and over in my mind. Doing this makes me think of someone habitually stepping on a plant that was made to grow up and out, but it can't because it is down and closed off and is unable to drink in the water and the sunlight. However, to instead enjoy and savor the good stuff, makes me think of a plant that is drinking in the moisture of the earth and reaching up towards the nice, warm, life-producing sunlight.

Tobias the giver

Today, Tobias had a playdate with his buddy, "H". He was SO excited about it. I thought he was excited to get to go to H's house. Then, I told him that H's mom would be picking him up in 30 minutes. He said he was hoping H would be coming to our house. When I asked him why, he said, "Because right now, we have all of the good snacks, and I was looking forward to offering them to H. By the time he comes next week, they might be all gone!"

Really, whenever ANY guest comes over here, Tobias tries to find the best snack option we have available and offers it to them. It makes him so happy.

Yesterday, Tobias and I met with a friend of mine and her one year old son at Lakeline Mall. We were hoping that her son to be able to ride on some of the kiddie rides there, but we didn't have any quarters. Tobias came over and asked me for a pencil. I had no idea why he wanted a pencil, but I was talking to my friend and was kind of unaware of what he was doing. He went over to one of the Kiosks nearby, looked under it, and found a bunch of quarters which he pulled out with the pencil. He brought them over and gave them to my mom friend so that her son could ride on a ride.

Tobias has his struggles, but one thing about him that has been consistently true for a long time is that he loves to give and to help. He is also very quick to forgive.

I want to follow

Browsing the book tables at Costco, I heard a lady say, "Ewww....that book is sooo weird." She held up the book, and I glanced to look at it. Oh yeah, that book.

In talking about some struggles my friend was having, my other friend said, "Tell her to read this book. It will help her."

"I have heard that book should be read with great caution," one of my relatives said.

"One of my patients said that this book brought her back to church after years of not going and made her trust God again," my sister told me.

"The Shack", by William P. Young

Some people might love it, and others might hate it, but one thing is for certain: It has captured the attention of hundreds of thousands of people.

****Urghhh******....Blogger failed to save a whole paragraph I wrote about what I liked and disliked about the book, and I have no desire to rewrite it again. So, I'm going to pretend that didn't happen and write about a conversation I had about the book with a friend of mine.

I told my friend that I thought the book contained an interesting exploration of the importance God places on man's free will because of His love for man. I said that this made sense to me. However, I didn't really like that Young was trying to explain how God could let a murderer kill Missy because of His commitment to allowing man to have free will. I said that I understood that God was hemming Missy in all around her with His love as she was being murdered and that she was now in a better place. I understand that God desires all sinners to embrace His forgiveness and turn to Him, including the murderer. Still, somehow, the way Young wrote this made it seem to me that God is less than sovereign. That He is sitting on His hands waiting and allowing, and trying to weave beauty out of the mess man makes.

My friend said, "Yeah, it's kind of like, why do we pray if man's free will rules the day anyways? I think that God intervenes directly and can supersede man's free will in some cases."

Me too.

I said, "Yeah, I don't think we are meant to fully understand how God works and when/how He chooses to get involved. All I know is that I have felt God's love in my life. I have seen Him work in my life and in lives of others, and I want to follow Him, with or without all of the answers to all of my questions."

She said, "And really, if you look at everything that Christ asked us to do, and if everyone did what He said, this would be a beautiful world! So, I want to follow, too."

After all of Young's postulating, interpreting, and creating, doesn't it all really just come down to that?

Either you will follow Him or not.

I do have major problems with the book, but I believe that God IS sovereign and can even use heretical/misguided books for His glory.

Predatory and competitive

"Moral dilemmas are the same now as they were in the beginning of time. People are predatory and competitive," he says matter-of-factly. "The issues today may be global warming and Darfur, but it's the same thing. We still don't like each other. I always felt if the bigots got their way and they eliminated all the blacks and all the Jews, then they would turn on the next group of people and the next group. Finally, when there were just two people left on earth, the right-hander would turn on the left-hander."

~Woody Allen

I know. Woody Allen is the guy who married his daughter, in a sense, but I agree with this quote, and this quote sums up why I don't think the government or politics will ever solve the world's problems. Only through a work of God will there ever be world peace. However, God has given us free will and more often than not we choose darkness over light. From the world all the way down to churches, down to families, down to individual friendships, we struggle with jealousy, arrogance, and selfishness which keeps us from having peace with one another.

While on an errand yesterday, I passed a marque that said, "We love you, Michael." I started feeling the sadness again that while he was alive, most of his so-called friends who are clamoring to pay their respects to MJ now, after his death, did not defend him when it really counted. Also, back in 2003, Martin Bashir put together an extremely unflattering documentary on MJ. It completely made MJ look like a perverted child molester. It was terribly damaging to MJ's reputation. But now, after MJ's death, Martin Bashir had this to say,

"Certainly when I made the documentary, there was a small part of that which contained a controversy concerning his relationship with other young people. But the truth is that he was never convicted of any crime, I never saw any wrongdoing myself. And last his lifestyle may have been unorthodox, I don't believe it was criminal. And I think the world has now lost the greatest entertainer it's probably ever known."

Well, unfortunately, it's a little late now! Where were all of the people who are now talking about what a great father he was? Where were all of the people who were talking about how they don't believe he was a child molester and how pure and giving MJ was? Where were all of the people who defended that he honestly did have a skin condition? We only heard one side of the story: that he was a perverted freak. I know. MJ didn't help himself by volunteering some of the information that he did, by dangling his baby out from the balcony, by wearing pajamas to court, but give the guy a break, he'd been in the spotlight, manipulated and used since he was 5 years old. Most child stars self-destruct by the time they are in their 20s.

As I was driving along looking at the oppressive heat rising from cars and streets, looking at the dryness of the grass, feeling the strain of traffic, I thought, "What a dry, harsh world we live in. What an ugly people we are." It's not surprising, I guess, that people wouldn't defend MJ while he was living. They had their own reps to protect, and they weren't 100% sure, so they figured it was better not to put themselves on the line. Plus, no one else was defending him except his family...well, some of his family. But, it is a shame. Yes, we are a predatory and competitive people, and we already saw that 2000 years ago with our Lord. Like Woody Allen said, we already saw that from the beginning of time.

I began to despair. Then, my spirit said, "But you are a Christian. You must not focus on that. Christ is risen! It helps no one and certainly not yourself to focus on death and destruction. You need to remember and see the miracle of love and life." I realized I should think of the way people respond to the goodness God has put within them, instead.

Sacrificial love which is exceedingly beautiful.

Pure love which is so poignant.

I believe there are probably several reasons why people, even the most hardened and cynical, responded so profoundly to Paris Jackson's words at the end of her father's memorial. Surely one reason is because her words came from a pure heart and a pure love which everyone desperately wants and admires. It's the love we were created to have.

Please, God, let us fan the flames of that kind of love.

Do I really need 5 stalls?

I really do have to battle with my desire to be independent from God...even though I know that is not at all possible, and I want to be independent from others. In fact, Katherine calls Kelly Clarkson's song "Miss Independent", my song. As I get older, I am more aware of what a waste of time it is and how much I lose by trying to maintain independence. However, one thing I noticed about myself more acutely while we were on our cruise is how much I try to avoid interaction with people, especially strangers. One day, the hostess in the dining room seated us at a table for four. A few minutes later she seated another couple at the same table!! I just about died. I was so annoyed because I didn't expect to sit with another couple. I could tell that they were a nice couple, but I still felt like they were a rude interruption to a nice breakfast Stuart and I were having and refused to try to talk to them. The wife said a few witty remarks and I did smile at her, but that was it. The whole incident really bothered me. What kind of person am I? Why didn't I just introduce myself? I noticed later how relieved and happy I was when I went to one of the restrooms that I had it all to myself. I asked myself why I see other people as such a threat that I don't even want to share a bathroom with 5 stalls with them. It's not that I need 5 stalls and 5 sinks! I thought, "No, but I don't want to have to interact with some strange person."  I wish I had the attitude found in this quote:

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just have to say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

-Augusten Burroughs


Stuart says that I am a wounded extrovert. I still carry around the baggage of being betrayed and teased in my past. Once I get over my fear, I love to talk to people and be around them...but otherwise, I fear new people for a long time, watching them and trying to figure out if I can trust them not to hurt me. But 1 John says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." Plus, people are made in God's image, and He loves them. As His daughter, I should do the same. I should not see others as threats.

But it's so hard to change.

I'm glad God brought this to my attention because it gives me a desire to change. I believe that I should still be cautious around strangers, but I'd like to stop looking at almost all people except my friends and family as a bother or a threat. I'd like to be more open.

It will take prayer and practice.

Here is my brother, my dad, and me on Father's day (also my dad's b-day), 2009.
I really love my dad.



















Here is Stuart and his mom on Mother's day, 2009.
He posted this picture on his blog and wrote,
"I love my mommy."

I think the fact that I grew up with a good daddy, and Stuart grew up with a sweet mommy has definitely been a blessing to Stuart and my marriage and the way we relate to each other.

Exploring the Dell Children's Medical Center

We decided to check out the Dell Children's Medical Center after going to Boggy Creek Farm. It was soooooo cool! I'm so glad that children in Central Texas who need to be in the hospital can go to a place like this. They want to go back and eat at the cafeteria there.

Pictures from Boggy Creek Farm

All of the pictures except the two of the boys were taken by the boys.

An adolescent is not a child

It's one thing when kids don't follow everything their parents have taught them, but it's another thing when they seem "pissed off" at their parents, the world, and God. I have watched kids who by every outward indication looked like beautiful, innocent Christian children turn into people I would be intimidated by if I didn't know them and just saw them at the mall. For some of the kids, I can pin-point what went wrong. They were abused by their father or their father had an affair when he was supposed to be a God-fearing, Bible scholar. It is quite obvious to me that kids can forgive their parents for a lot of sins, but one sin they can't seem to tolerate is that of serious hypocrisy. (For this reason, I try very hard NOT to be a hypocrite, and that is probably why I am almost too honest with my kids about my sins).

However, there are plenty of wild kids who I can not figure out why they have gone in the opposite direction with an "in your face" attitude. These are the kids who make the pit of my stomach ache. Stuart says that the kids have "free will", so we need to be ready for that as they get older. Yes, but I wouldn't be a the regular, Christian mom I am if I didn't try my best to encourage decisions I know to be good and right.

I always used to think that if you express a lot of love for your teen and do things that are fun with them, they at least won't be angrily rebellious, just the normal rebellious that comes as they are trying to assert their independence from you. However, as they are sarcastic and sometimes even mocking and when they continually want to challenge my ideas, it's harder to be loving. Plus, their peers have become so important to them, and they want to have fun with their friends, not with their parents as much.

My friend sent me this Article called "An Adolescent is NOT a Child". Here are the quotes that I liked from this article:

"An adolescent is a young person who, around the ages of 9 to 13, begins to push for more separation (time with peers), more opposition (argument and delay), more differentiation (alternative interests), and more experimentation (testing limits) in order to start becoming more individual, independent, and grown up."

I had to laugh at the part of the quote that says opposition includes "delay". Delay is definitely a form of behavior that I see every Sunday. Delay....as we wait in the car for her to join us to in the car to go to church. Delay....as she slowly saunters out to the car as if she didn't have a care in the world. Delay....as she finishes brushing her hair and putting on makeup in the car once we get to the church. I do put limits on how long she can delay, but I also let her delay because, to me, this is a battle I don't want to fight too hard against. I am happy she has never balked or rebelled against going to church on Sundays. I'm happy that she really likes our priest and so many other adults at our church. So, it's nice to read that this delay strategy is normal.

"Don't take your child's adolescence personally. Your son or daughter is not "doing adolescence" to get you or to get you upset. She is doing it FOR herself, for her own growth, unmindful of you. She is too self-centered to think about the effects of her changes on you.
Don't treat adolescence as a punishable offense. It is a process of growth. Accept the process, but hold the young person accountable for the choices she makes as the process unfolds."

Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. It's a process of growth! My new mantra.

"The ultimate parental challenge during adolescence is this: how can parents stay meaningfully connected with their teenager as adolescence is growing them apart."

I understand even more now the admonition to pick and choose your battles wisely, but looking for those opportunities and being available for when they need support and guidance. And I still think it is imperative to look for ways to have fun together, but maybe that is more important for me than for them. ;)

My new goddaughter!

"Keep her in Thy sanctification; confirm her in the Orthodox faith; deliver her from the evil one, and from his snares. And preserve her soul in purity and uprightness, through the saving fear of Thee; that she may please Thee in every deed and word, and may be a child and heir of Thy heavenly kingdom." prayer from the Chrismation service.

SEAL!

Bittersweet good-byes

After Christmas, usually start counting down the weeks until school is out, as a teacher and as a parent of four school-aged children. I'm tired of all of the planning, pushing, and probing I need to do with myself and my kids in order to keep up somewhat.

However, the last day of school of school came too quickly for me this year. I had the best group of 7th and 8th grade students, ever, this year. We all really bonded this year. When we fill out the application into CCI, we have agree to have at least one social event at our house for the grade level our students are in. With a one day a week school, the need for social event is keenly felt by middle school and high school students. In the past, most parents haven't actually followed through with the required social event. However, this year, the kids enjoy each other so much that they seem to have a party every month. It's very natural.

For literature class, I have my students write journal entries, and I have them write papers on their reactions to the books we read. I am privileged to be able to get an inside view somewhat is going on in their hearts and heads. My students are not perfect (almost!), but it is exciting to see them becoming thoughtful and discerning young men and women with their own unique thoughts. From 7th to 8th grade, the kids really seem to grow up alot, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, too. I love getting to watch that and be a part of that.

So, as I watched my 8th graders receive their awards at the awards ceremony, I just couldn't help but cry, cry, cry. I am not ready to say good-bye to them as my students, but I must.

A week and a half later, it is time to say good-bye to Rockster and Pony's teachers. Rockster had a very upbeat, kind teacher. She was patient, and thankfully, she really seemed to enjoy Rockster which was a huge blessing to me since his last year's teacher didn't so much. :( I really liked her, but unfortunately, I didn't really like his class as a whole. There were some alpha types who were unkind. I have learned that even the best teachers have years where they struggle with their students every day. I had the feeling when I spent time with this class that these students didn't trust each other and hadn't bonded. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm also basing that on talking to another parent who had a child in that class as well as hearing from Rockster. Still, Rockster made great progress in his reading and math this year, but he is still behind on his writing. His teacher kept on us all year to work on his writing at home, but I could tell when he would get home from school that his batteries were all used up. He told me that he felt like he was always behind on his schoolwork, and he felt overwhelmed with all of the schoolwork. I also noticed when I helped out in the classroom one day that he was aware of what everyone else in the class was doing and what they were needing, but he wasn't so aware of the task that HE was supposed to be doing. He made it clear to me that he really wanted to be homeschooled next year, and after watching him at school, I could see that homeschooling might just be what he needs to catch up and feel successful again. I'm a little nervous about how I will do with the transition of having a child who needs a great deal of my time at home again next year. Rockster is strong-willed and does not like to write, so I know we are going to be butting heads at first, so I'm going to have to stay strong for his good!

Pony was supposed to start homeschooling next year, but he has been thriving at school and really wanted to stay at his school for his last year. He wanted to be on the safety patrol, something only 5th graders can do, too. So he will continue to go there next year.

For 3rd grade, he was put in Mrs. B's class. Her reputation based on other parents I talked to was that she was a no nonsense teacher who expected kids to do what she said the FIRST time and didn't give second chances. I also heard that she did not like the kids to talk in class and that she was kind of "old school", but that she never yelled at the kids. I kind of liked hearing this because it sounded like she would at least have a well-behaved class, and I think kids are too coddled these days anyways, and I always take the teachers' reps with a grain of salt b/c I know that I would have very different reps based on which students and their parents of mine you asked. ;) I just hoped she would have some warmth to her, too.

Well, it turned out that, yes, she did have pretty high expectations of her students, but she was also as funny as all get out! Pony's would come home and tell me stories that she told them that were so funny and personal. He loved the phrases she used like, "Rut-ro!" or "Chihuahua!" or "Aye-yi-yi!". She would say things like, "I know I'm a hundred years old, so just do this for an old lady." Pony also loved her facial expressions and could totally imitate them! The fact that his best friend was also in the class made his life very sweet. She and I clicked at first because we love the same kids' books. She would tell me that almost every book she would pick to read to the class, Pony would say, "Oh yeah, my family already read that book." Pony made so much progress in her class. So, at the end of the year last year when she made it known that she wanted to move up to 4th grade with this same class, I was beyond thrilled! This class had that same supportive, positive, bonded vibe going on, too!

I , along with the mom of Pony's BFF, signed up to be her homeroom moms. It was great to work with her, and we became better friends. I loved the way Pony's teacher was so organized and consistent, and yet, she was so fun. I would ask her advice for how to be a better teacher, and one thing she recommended was having the kids get out from their desks and onto the floor with their white boards while she taught them. She also said to involve them in a lot of group work. I did those things, and they really helped to get my students engaged, even in 7th and 8th grade.

Anyway, Mrs. B and her students continued to get bonded and continued to excel academically. They were really in a groove, and they all seemed so happy every time I went in to help out with parties and projects. It was magical. It felt the same way as it did during Rockster's kindergarten year!

And just like it was so hard for me to watch Rockster leave his perfect kindergarten teacher and his wonderful kindergarten class, I felt the same way about Mrs. B's class. It is SO sad to me that he is not going to be in her class next year. I don't even want to think about it. It actually makes my stomach tighten up to think of it. Thankfully, Rockster's kindergarten teacher and I still remain to be good friends, and hopefully, I'll be able to stay in contact with Pony's teacher. Maybe that is unrealistic when they have so many students each year, but I feel like they are my sister-teachers!

I was thinking that I really have Stuart to thank for pushing me to put Pony and Rockster into public school because I have met two of the greatest ladies there who have brought me and my boys so much joy, not to mention Pony's BFF who I like SO much! I also have to thank God that He allowed my children to be in their classes!

Mark as William B. Travis

Pony dressed up as William Barrett Travis for the "Texas Heroes" project his class did. He gave a presentation as Commander Travis to a 2nd grade class.

Rockster gets the friendly award!

Tiramisu

Here is the Tiramisu I made! I have never made such an elaborate dessert in my life...but that is not really saying much!~ ;)

Romantic meal

Today was a wonderful day!

I woke up thinking about how blessed I am to have a husband who teaches the older two kids math, who is such a hands-on dad, who takes care of all of the car and appliance maintenance, who provides so well for our family, among so many other things,  and who is also so hot!  ;)  I thought about how he has made me special meals for Valentine's day, but I have never done that expressly for him.  So, I decided I was going to make him a romantic meal this day!

So, after I jogged 4.4 miles and did the elliptical for 2.4 miles, I came home and found recipes that I thought would be fun to make.  

In the mean time, LMM was asked to babysit by her favorite client, she also got her ipod touch (thanks again, Pam, for helping her get a discount!) delivered, AND Baskin Robbins texted her to come in for an interview this Saturday at 10 AM.  She was so ecstatic today, which always makes me happy, too!  

So, anyways, I found several good recipes, and then set out to Twin Liquors and HEB.  I had never been to Twin Liquors before, but it was such a nice experience.  I needed some coffee liqueur for the dessert recipe, and I wanted some red wine to go with our steak.  It is so nice when you are given truly good customer service.  The manager showed me a good, cheap coffee liqueur that would work well for my recipe, and he pointed me to a mild, fruity red wine (which I asked for) to go with our steak.  Then, he told me about the importance of using a decanter to allow the wine to breathe and be bursting with flavor.

Anyways, here is what I prepared:

Mouth-Watering Stuffed Mushrooms

Tangy Cucumber and Avocado Salad

Delicata Delish

Slow Cooker Salisbury Steak

Tiramisu Layer Cake

(All of which can be found on www.allrecipes.com

Rolls

Red wine

I set up a table upstairs in Stuart's office with a table cloth, colorful carnations, and a candle.  By the time Stuart came home, I was actually sweating from working so hard on our meal!  I told Katherine to serve the boys with the food leftover and make sure they went to bed by 8:30, while we enjoyed our meal.  I went on www.Pandora.com and had them play songs like Colbie Caillat, George Winston, Chick Corea, and Harry Connick, Jr. while we were eating.  Stuart liked everything I made, and we'll leave it at that. ;)  

It was so cute how the kids, esp Rockster, would peek in to see what we were doing.  We didn't let them do it more than a few times, but I liked for them to see that their old mom and dad can enjoy some quality time, too.  

I'm so glad for the inspiration I had to make this special dinner.  It was so worth the time and energy, and I feel fortunate that I had the time to do it!

My first love

My mom sent me this poem that I wrote back in 1988 when I was 19 years old. I like it.

Seeking for a First Love

by Kori - 1988

My Eyes seek attention,

My Ears seek encouragement,

My Heart seeks a true, exciting kind of love,

My Mouth seeks ears that will listen,

My Feet seek other feet to walk along with them,

My Hands seek another hand to to hold on to it,

Every part of my body seeks fullfillment and joy,

I always sought a first love who would supply all of these needs,

I have finally found Him, but He supplies me with more than I had ever hoped or asked for.

Jesus, Thank You for being My first Love.

The pride of youth

Since I have turned 40, I have noticed that there have been some real changes in my life:

1. I wear sunscreen on my face each and every day.

2.  I feel guilty about eating a donut or any other goody composed primarily of refined sugar.

3.  I am so happy when I can eat something tasty with veggies!

4. I shelled out $67 for a bra last week!  LMM could NOT understand how I could justify spending that much money.  I told her that she doesn't understand what it's like to have breasts that are sagging and the need for a strong bra to hold them up.  She also does not know what it's like to have flab on your back and the desire to not have your bra cutting into your flab making it look bigger.  I told her that to have a bra that does all of these things with straps that stay up is well worth it!

5. I'm finally wearing my seatbelt, and I take less risks on the road.

6. Increasingly, I'm very cognizant of some advice my Grandma gave me: "If you don't use it, you lose it."  So, I am more motivated to try to exercise every day.  I want to be old and still able to hike, swim, and run.

7.  I accept limitations in relationships more.  I don't try as hard to make the relationships in my life look and feel the way I think they should.

8. I have finally realized how emotionally constipated I am.  I used to think that I was very connected to my emotions since I am a "spewer" rather than a "stuffer".  However, I have come to realize that what I am spewing about is rarely about what I am truly upset about.  

9. I don't feel guilty that I am not everyone's friend and not everyone likes me.  However, I shouldn't try to be disagreeably unlikeable.  I guess that can be good or bad.

10.  When I was younger and more newly married, I kind of prided myself that I would never forgive my husband if he ever did this or that.  After spending the last 18 years with my best friend who has gone through so much with me, I no longer pride myself on my toughness not to forgive him.  I pride myself on the commitment and love we have shared.

Things I wish I would mature in:

1. Being more aware that death is rapidly approaching, and I need to worship and do the work God has called me to do while I'm still here.

2. Being able to "fake" it better when I am upset, but my showing my anger is not going help anything.  Yes, not getting upset in the first place is the best, but I would just be happy to have more discipline in keeping my anger and my annoyance to myself.

3. Putting my things away!!

4. Taking more risks.

Well, I'm sure there is more, but it's time to go to bed.

Boring Kori

I deleted my old blog today.

It used to be called, "Sophia's Wisdom" not because I had a lot of wisdom, but because "Sophia" is my saint's name, and Sophia in the Greek means "wisdom".  So I thought it was rather catchy to call the blog:  "Sophia's Wisdom".  

However, I had one friend who, in talking about my blog, said that he thought a blog should be about one subject or one area so that the reader would know what to expect from day to day.  He thought that the title of the blog should capture what the blog would be discussing, whether it is about theology, cooking, your family, or music.  Unfortunately, I think he was disappointed at the lack of wisdom found at "Sophia's Wisdom".  

So, this time, I decided to keep eveyone's expectations low and just call it "Boring Kori".  That's what one customer called me when I was a waitress, and he was put into my section.   He asked the hostess who would be his waitress, and when she told him it was me, he called out, "Ah sh*t!  I'm in Boring Kori's section?  I wanted to be in Sexy Lexy's section."  

Don't get me wrong.  I was sooooo glad to be "Boring Kori" even at the age of 20.  I knew that to be "Sexy Lexi" would mean I would have to be flirted with in an inappropriate way bordering on sexual harrassment.  Therefore, I felt empowered to be called "Boring Kori". 

So, yeah.  

Boring Kori.

I'll take it!