I really do have to battle with my desire to be independent from God...even though I know that is not at all possible, and I want to be independent from others. In fact, Katherine calls Kelly Clarkson's song "Miss Independent", my song. As I get older, I am more aware of what a waste of time it is and how much I lose by trying to maintain independence. However, one thing I noticed about myself more acutely while we were on our cruise is how much I try to avoid interaction with people, especially strangers. One day, the hostess in the dining room seated us at a table for four. A few minutes later she seated another couple at the same table!! I just about died. I was so annoyed because I didn't expect to sit with another couple. I could tell that they were a nice couple, but I still felt like they were a rude interruption to a nice breakfast Stuart and I were having and refused to try to talk to them. The wife said a few witty remarks and I did smile at her, but that was it. The whole incident really bothered me. What kind of person am I? Why didn't I just introduce myself? I noticed later how relieved and happy I was when I went to one of the restrooms that I had it all to myself. I asked myself why I see other people as such a threat that I don't even want to share a bathroom with 5 stalls with them. It's not that I need 5 stalls and 5 sinks! I thought, "No, but I don't want to have to interact with some strange person." I wish I had the attitude found in this quote:
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just have to say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."
-Augusten Burroughs
Stuart says that I am a wounded extrovert. I still carry around the baggage of being betrayed and teased in my past. Once I get over my fear, I love to talk to people and be around them...but otherwise, I fear new people for a long time, watching them and trying to figure out if I can trust them not to hurt me. But 1 John says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." Plus, people are made in God's image, and He loves them. As His daughter, I should do the same. I should not see others as threats.
But it's so hard to change.
I'm glad God brought this to my attention because it gives me a desire to change. I believe that I should still be cautious around strangers, but I'd like to stop looking at almost all people except my friends and family as a bother or a threat. I'd like to be more open.
It will take prayer and practice.
Dear Kori, it's nice to have you back home!
ReplyDeleteI love your title, and what an interesting post.
I was just talking with Vasi about how smart, gifted people (this clearly applies to you) trust their own instinct and opinion about things, and often prefer not to bother with other people's opinons. Smart people are often independent thinkers, and trust their own abilities. So I told her about a conversation I had with a priest I once knew. I was saying how everyone else in our church had read all the great Orthodox books -- every time I read one, I'd only find that everyone else knew some other one that was even better. I was feeling like I could never measure up. He told me something that really helped me, and maybe it would be interesting in connection with your post:
God does not give one person all of the information, all of the answers, all of the revelations ON PURPOSE. He intentionally spreads around the various pieces of the puzzles you're solving. He wishes for us to come together, to seek Him and our answers in unity and love, so He gives each of us a little bit, so that we are forced to share our revelations and to join together in love. To God, it is every bit as important that we learn from one another, that we connect with one another, as it is that we solve whatever puzzle we're puzzling.
For me, realizing that God Himself sends me messages through the people I encounter makes it easier to see Him in everyone.