Ever since Stuart went on his mission trip to Tanzania, I've been thinking about the importance of fatherhood. I can tell even before I write this blog that this entry is not going to be all that coherent or organized because my thoughts are scattered and not completely thought through, but I want to write down my ideas anyway before I forget them. Today, I'm going to write about some of the positive influences fathers have with their daughters. As a disclaimer, I will say that people are resilient, and they can rise above the challenge of not having a strong father figure in their lives, but it is a challenge.
One day, my daughter was having a conversation with one of her friends about a classmate of theirs who is very promiscuous. My daughter's friend said, "Well, she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad. That's why." She was very matter-of-fact about it. It kind of surprised me, but I've always noticed the same trend with girls/women who stand out as being promiscuous. They seem to have such an irrational hunger for a man to accept them that they are willing to throw out their sexuality to any man who will give them attention...even if it's just for a fleeting moment.
Girls who have a close relationship with their fathers do seem to tend to respect their bodies and their whole person more. They are much more selective about who they give their heart and soul to because they already feel accepted and loved by their parents. I've always heard that the best gift you can give to your children is a good marriage. When a couple has a good, faithful marriage, their daughter can see the kind of marriage or relationship she can have with a man...a mutually respectful marriage between two spouses. No marriage is perfect, but a functional marriage can go a long way in giving daughters a sense of belonging. Also, a solid marriage means that the dad will probably be home more and can give guidance and affection to his daughter which she needs to grow strong with a sense of security that she doesn't desperately need the attention of boys her age. Still, if there has been a divorce, fathers can still give their daughters the attention and guidance they need, but it takes a more concerted effort, and it still takes a decent relationship with their ex-wife to make this happen.
I also think that when a girl, and even a woman, have a father who is actively involved in their lives, their boyfriends tend to respect her a little more. Maybe this will sound antiquated, but I have seen the look of fear and/or nervousness on the faces of young men who have picked up our daughter for a date and have met my husband. I wouldn't say my husband is intimidating at all, but these young men seem to understand that our daughter is highly valued by her dad, and they better be on their good side. Again, this might seem old school, but I do believe a father figure in a girl's life provides her with more protection and security to not be bullied or pushed into anything she doesn't consent to.
This is such a touchy subject because I know a lot of girls come from single parent homes, and their father isn't present in their lives. Like I said, there are things a mother can do, such as bringing other male figures into their daughter's life...grandfathers, uncles, trusted family friends...but to me, the fact remains that father figures are so important. I also think of friends whose father passed away. Even though their father might not physically be here, his memory, his love, and his guidance are still very much here to nurture their growth. Even for children whose fathers died at an early age can draw comfort and security from the love their father had for them.
In our society where women are apparently the head of the household in 40% of American homes, I just wish men were valued more for their contributions in the development and health of their children. When Stuart was gone to Tanzania, I could imagine what a loss our family would suffer especially in terms of strength and stability. I have always told my daughter that she doesn't need to get married, and that it's better to not get married than to marry a jerk who will not treat her or her children right. I firmly believe that. However, if she is going to get married and have children, she needs to understand, appreciate, and respect all that her husband brings to the table, which in my opinion is infinitely valuable.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
So, which one is the doctor?
If anything about my siblings ever comes up in conversation with people who don't know my family that well, the #1 most popular question I hear is, "Which one is the doctor?" I used to resent that. I wondered why being a doctor was the only thing people seemed to feel was important enough to note about my siblings and me.
After having my own children, my outlook has changed, though.
My daughter is a go-getter. She was the sophomore class president, the secretary of her school's student body, and the band president. Many times when I would meet other parents and I would introduce myself, they would say,"Oh, I know who your daughter is. Isn't she the president of something?" People seem impressed with her. She has titles...just like my sister. President. M.D., M.D. President.
Believe me. I know that being a doctor is noteworthy and impressive. And with my sister, I'm even more impressed that she was able to work 80-120 hour work weeks which were intense and grueling during her residency, AND be married, AND have three children by the time she earned her medical degree. I've heard the statistics about how most marriages don't make it when one spouse goes through med school. Honestly, I don't know how she did it.
Also, I'm impressed by the time my sister takes to help people; family, friends, and me (even about stupid, non-consequential stuff) even when she's exhausted. I'm impressed that she actually prays with her patients before surgeries, if they would like. I'm impressed that she juggles so much besides her normal job as a gynecologist. So, am I impressed that she's a doctor? In a word. Yes. I'm impressed with anyone who is able to make it through the rigorous training of med school, but that doesn't mean I admire or respect them necessarily. It's the character and care of the doctor which causes me to respect them. However, most people don't know these things about my sister. They just know she is a doctor which seems to be enough.
In regards to my daughter, I'm very proud that she was willing to take the risk of running for president and then wonderfully fulfilling her responsibilities. I'm proud that her peers had enough confidence in her to elect her to these positions, but my proudest of moments of her were when I saw the mettle she is made of. During the spring of her sophomore year, she decided she wanted to become a lifeguard since it was one job she could get as a 15-year-old. She had been on a swim team years before when she was younger, but it really wasn't her forte. However, that spring, she looked into what she would be required to do in order to become a lifeguard. Next, she started independently working on her swimming speed and strength almost every night at the local YMCA. After that, she went through a lifeguard training program, and finally, the day came for her to take the neighborhood MUD's test to see if she could be hired. One aspect of the test was swimming 20 yards out, then swimming 10 feet deep in order to grab a 10-pound brick, carry it out, and then bring the brick back to the starting place, all within a minute and 30 seconds. She tried twice and wasn't able to do it. I think one time the brick slipped out of her hands and another time, she wasn't able to do it in time. After that, she went to the bathroom where she felt sick and faint, but she wasn't going to give up if she didn't have to. She asked the instructor for one more chance. The third time was the charm. She did it. I know that there are tons of kids who pass this test and there are many kids who are lifeguards. Most of the lifeguards she worked with were on their high school swim teams so they were strong swimmers. So, kudos to them! Because of their consistent work over the years, the test probably wasn't that hard. It was very difficult for my daughter, though, and I felt so proud that she went way out of her comfort zone to get this job, and when she probably felt like keeling over and dying, she tried one more time to get that 10-pound brick. And succeeded.
My proudest moments of my daughter have nothing to do with her titles. They have everything to do with her character...like the times she has graciously accepted defeat and the times she has acted honorably towards competitors (even when they have not reciprocated). Likely, those character traits of hard work, discipline, perseverance, kindness, and decency have been helpful in allowing my sister and my daughter to acquire titles, but on the other hand, I know there are others who have these traits who don't have these titles.
So, why doesn't it bother my any more when people ask which sibling is a doctor?
I understand now that titles are easy for people to remember, and they are quick. Doctor=achievement. President=achievement. Done. It's not that people wouldn't admire character qualities of my other siblings or my other children, it's just that those take time to explain, and they are more personal. Titles remind me of a good sound bite. The sound bite does give a lot of information in very few words, so we like them. However, they never tell the whole story - about the person with the title or the other people without the titles. That takes time, and many times, people don't want to take the time or make the investment to learn the whole story.
It is what it is. We humans are the way we are. We can only take in so much information, so titles are a shortcut to classifying people. I'm not saying that's good or bad, it just is. I think I accept it better because I have been able to see the whole stories of my kids from the outside. I see that they all have impressive traits, but I'm probably never going to hear someone ask, "So which one is the hospitable one?" or "So, which one is the forgiving one?", but that doesn't mean these traits matter less. It just means that titles are easier for people to get a handle on.
So, now when people ask, "Which one is the doctor?", I feel happy that my sister actually deserves respect and admiration not because she is a doctor but because of who she is. At the same, I know full well that their question doesn't diminish who my siblings are, either. People want a quick reference point, and as the famous poem says, it was never about them anyways. It's all about God and doing what is right before Him.
After having my own children, my outlook has changed, though.
My daughter is a go-getter. She was the sophomore class president, the secretary of her school's student body, and the band president. Many times when I would meet other parents and I would introduce myself, they would say,"Oh, I know who your daughter is. Isn't she the president of something?" People seem impressed with her. She has titles...just like my sister. President. M.D., M.D. President.
Believe me. I know that being a doctor is noteworthy and impressive. And with my sister, I'm even more impressed that she was able to work 80-120 hour work weeks which were intense and grueling during her residency, AND be married, AND have three children by the time she earned her medical degree. I've heard the statistics about how most marriages don't make it when one spouse goes through med school. Honestly, I don't know how she did it.
Also, I'm impressed by the time my sister takes to help people; family, friends, and me (even about stupid, non-consequential stuff) even when she's exhausted. I'm impressed that she actually prays with her patients before surgeries, if they would like. I'm impressed that she juggles so much besides her normal job as a gynecologist. So, am I impressed that she's a doctor? In a word. Yes. I'm impressed with anyone who is able to make it through the rigorous training of med school, but that doesn't mean I admire or respect them necessarily. It's the character and care of the doctor which causes me to respect them. However, most people don't know these things about my sister. They just know she is a doctor which seems to be enough.
In regards to my daughter, I'm very proud that she was willing to take the risk of running for president and then wonderfully fulfilling her responsibilities. I'm proud that her peers had enough confidence in her to elect her to these positions, but my proudest of moments of her were when I saw the mettle she is made of. During the spring of her sophomore year, she decided she wanted to become a lifeguard since it was one job she could get as a 15-year-old. She had been on a swim team years before when she was younger, but it really wasn't her forte. However, that spring, she looked into what she would be required to do in order to become a lifeguard. Next, she started independently working on her swimming speed and strength almost every night at the local YMCA. After that, she went through a lifeguard training program, and finally, the day came for her to take the neighborhood MUD's test to see if she could be hired. One aspect of the test was swimming 20 yards out, then swimming 10 feet deep in order to grab a 10-pound brick, carry it out, and then bring the brick back to the starting place, all within a minute and 30 seconds. She tried twice and wasn't able to do it. I think one time the brick slipped out of her hands and another time, she wasn't able to do it in time. After that, she went to the bathroom where she felt sick and faint, but she wasn't going to give up if she didn't have to. She asked the instructor for one more chance. The third time was the charm. She did it. I know that there are tons of kids who pass this test and there are many kids who are lifeguards. Most of the lifeguards she worked with were on their high school swim teams so they were strong swimmers. So, kudos to them! Because of their consistent work over the years, the test probably wasn't that hard. It was very difficult for my daughter, though, and I felt so proud that she went way out of her comfort zone to get this job, and when she probably felt like keeling over and dying, she tried one more time to get that 10-pound brick. And succeeded.
My proudest moments of my daughter have nothing to do with her titles. They have everything to do with her character...like the times she has graciously accepted defeat and the times she has acted honorably towards competitors (even when they have not reciprocated). Likely, those character traits of hard work, discipline, perseverance, kindness, and decency have been helpful in allowing my sister and my daughter to acquire titles, but on the other hand, I know there are others who have these traits who don't have these titles.
So, why doesn't it bother my any more when people ask which sibling is a doctor?
I understand now that titles are easy for people to remember, and they are quick. Doctor=achievement. President=achievement. Done. It's not that people wouldn't admire character qualities of my other siblings or my other children, it's just that those take time to explain, and they are more personal. Titles remind me of a good sound bite. The sound bite does give a lot of information in very few words, so we like them. However, they never tell the whole story - about the person with the title or the other people without the titles. That takes time, and many times, people don't want to take the time or make the investment to learn the whole story.
It is what it is. We humans are the way we are. We can only take in so much information, so titles are a shortcut to classifying people. I'm not saying that's good or bad, it just is. I think I accept it better because I have been able to see the whole stories of my kids from the outside. I see that they all have impressive traits, but I'm probably never going to hear someone ask, "So which one is the hospitable one?" or "So, which one is the forgiving one?", but that doesn't mean these traits matter less. It just means that titles are easier for people to get a handle on.
So, now when people ask, "Which one is the doctor?", I feel happy that my sister actually deserves respect and admiration not because she is a doctor but because of who she is. At the same, I know full well that their question doesn't diminish who my siblings are, either. People want a quick reference point, and as the famous poem says, it was never about them anyways. It's all about God and doing what is right before Him.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Criticism
22 Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. 23 "Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets. 24 "But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort. 25 Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep. 26 Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
I guess no one particularly enjoys criticism, but some people do seem to deal with it better than others. I do okay with criticism when I think I deserve the criticism, but when I have worked really hard in a certain area, and someone criticizes that area, I don't take it well. For instance, the other day I was criticized for not putting things away. I accept that. I know I'm ba-a-a-a-a-d about that. Today, someone implied that I tend to be late to things, and they were surprised I would be upset if my child was late to something. I didn't take that criticism well even though I'm not naturally a punctual person. The thing is, ever since I've had kids, I have been very committed to getting them to their activities on time and to picking them up on time. I die a million deaths if I ever make them late, or worse yet, if they are one of the last kids to be picked up. When it comes to my kids, I want them to have the security of being on time and knowing that I will be on time to pick them up. Maybe I come across as being laid back, but this is one area that is extremely important to me. I also work hard not to make other people wait on me. So, this particular criticism stung. I mentioned the criticism to my husband, and he said, "Well, you're on time for anything pertaining to the kids and their activities, but you don't care that much about being late to social things or things that involve you personally. So, you can't expect other people to see that distinction." Ahhh, he knows me so well. He's right, and it was such a comfort to have him acknowledge the truth about me.
I'm not being insulted for Christ's sake, so the above verses don't directly apply to the criticism I received, but even so, they kept running through my mind. They were reminding me that I am being quite a baby if I'm going to let a small, petty criticism like this bring me down so much when so many saints, and Christ himself, have suffered much more unjust criticism. A friend was pointing out to me the other day that Christ received more unjust criticism than probably any other person in the Bible. He was constantly being criticized and misunderstood. If my Lord received this kind of criticism when He only deserved praise, then certainly, I should be able to deal with a criticism that is even partially true which I guess I do partially deserve! Also, it's probably good for my soul to be unjustly criticized from time to time. It reminds me that God knows the full truth about me, and it is His view of me that counts. ;)
I remember the priest at our church once saying that out of humility, we shouldn't try to defend ourselves. We should let God defend us. However, if we see someone else being wrongly or unjustly accused or criticized, we should step up. We should be more concerned about others' honor than our own. I loved the nobility in that.
Another idea that floats around in my head when I'm criticized is how my husband says something to the effect that most people probably don't see us for the sinners we actually are. They don't see the depth of our anger, resentment, or our other sins that we harbor and battle with. Most likely, in all honesty, people, even critical people, probably see me in a more positive light than they should...like when they say, "I can't imagine you ever getting mad." Ha-Ha! Therefore, I should be glad when people don't actually see me as better than I am. It's liberating, in a way. But if someone sees me as much better than I actually am, I'm sure to disappoint them.
In watching people around me who are good at taking criticism, one thing I note is that they have a strong sense of who they are and what they think. I remember feeling so upset for my daughter one time when a friend of hers told her she would never even consider going to the school my daughter went to because it was too old, ghetto, and was academically poor. My daughter seemed completely unaffected by these comments. Later, I asked her how she felt about her friend's comments. She said, "I don't care. Why should I? She's never even been to my school, so she doesn't know that. She tends to make lots of wrong assumptions." That's basically what another veteran teacher friend of mine told me once when a parent insulted something my class had worked hours on. She basically said that people just say stuff and a lot of people say stuff without thinking. They don't know the whole situation. And I say stuff when I don't know the whole situation, too!
So criticism. I need to be willing to take it as my Lord did. I need to not be so defensive for my own honor, and let God humble me or elevate me as He sees fit. Finally, I need to be able to let things roll off when they are not true and be secure in what I know to be true.
I guess no one particularly enjoys criticism, but some people do seem to deal with it better than others. I do okay with criticism when I think I deserve the criticism, but when I have worked really hard in a certain area, and someone criticizes that area, I don't take it well. For instance, the other day I was criticized for not putting things away. I accept that. I know I'm ba-a-a-a-a-d about that. Today, someone implied that I tend to be late to things, and they were surprised I would be upset if my child was late to something. I didn't take that criticism well even though I'm not naturally a punctual person. The thing is, ever since I've had kids, I have been very committed to getting them to their activities on time and to picking them up on time. I die a million deaths if I ever make them late, or worse yet, if they are one of the last kids to be picked up. When it comes to my kids, I want them to have the security of being on time and knowing that I will be on time to pick them up. Maybe I come across as being laid back, but this is one area that is extremely important to me. I also work hard not to make other people wait on me. So, this particular criticism stung. I mentioned the criticism to my husband, and he said, "Well, you're on time for anything pertaining to the kids and their activities, but you don't care that much about being late to social things or things that involve you personally. So, you can't expect other people to see that distinction." Ahhh, he knows me so well. He's right, and it was such a comfort to have him acknowledge the truth about me.
I'm not being insulted for Christ's sake, so the above verses don't directly apply to the criticism I received, but even so, they kept running through my mind. They were reminding me that I am being quite a baby if I'm going to let a small, petty criticism like this bring me down so much when so many saints, and Christ himself, have suffered much more unjust criticism. A friend was pointing out to me the other day that Christ received more unjust criticism than probably any other person in the Bible. He was constantly being criticized and misunderstood. If my Lord received this kind of criticism when He only deserved praise, then certainly, I should be able to deal with a criticism that is even partially true which I guess I do partially deserve! Also, it's probably good for my soul to be unjustly criticized from time to time. It reminds me that God knows the full truth about me, and it is His view of me that counts. ;)
I remember the priest at our church once saying that out of humility, we shouldn't try to defend ourselves. We should let God defend us. However, if we see someone else being wrongly or unjustly accused or criticized, we should step up. We should be more concerned about others' honor than our own. I loved the nobility in that.
Another idea that floats around in my head when I'm criticized is how my husband says something to the effect that most people probably don't see us for the sinners we actually are. They don't see the depth of our anger, resentment, or our other sins that we harbor and battle with. Most likely, in all honesty, people, even critical people, probably see me in a more positive light than they should...like when they say, "I can't imagine you ever getting mad." Ha-Ha! Therefore, I should be glad when people don't actually see me as better than I am. It's liberating, in a way. But if someone sees me as much better than I actually am, I'm sure to disappoint them.
In watching people around me who are good at taking criticism, one thing I note is that they have a strong sense of who they are and what they think. I remember feeling so upset for my daughter one time when a friend of hers told her she would never even consider going to the school my daughter went to because it was too old, ghetto, and was academically poor. My daughter seemed completely unaffected by these comments. Later, I asked her how she felt about her friend's comments. She said, "I don't care. Why should I? She's never even been to my school, so she doesn't know that. She tends to make lots of wrong assumptions." That's basically what another veteran teacher friend of mine told me once when a parent insulted something my class had worked hours on. She basically said that people just say stuff and a lot of people say stuff without thinking. They don't know the whole situation. And I say stuff when I don't know the whole situation, too!
So criticism. I need to be willing to take it as my Lord did. I need to not be so defensive for my own honor, and let God humble me or elevate me as He sees fit. Finally, I need to be able to let things roll off when they are not true and be secure in what I know to be true.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Triumphalism
One of my biggest pet peeves is a spirit of triumphalism. The definition of triumphalism according to Merriam Webster is:
: an attitude or feeling of victory or superiority: as
a : the attitude that one religious creed is superior to all others
b : smug or boastful pride in the success or dominance of one's nation or ideology over others
How does God feel about people who have and attitude of superiority or who are smug, boastful, or prideful?
The Bible says in Proverbs 6:16-19: 16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
He hates even just a proud look. In Proverbs 16:5, it says, "Everyone who is proud at heart is an abomination to the Lord."
That verse scares me because I can be proud when I have no right to be. I have to constantly remind myself how much God hates pride, but loves humility.
We live in a very proud society. Pride seeps into our churches so easily. I am so perplexed when people from every branch of Christianity and from so many denominations proclaim that they are the one and only true church. They proclaim that they are the "correct path" to Christ. Even while they might be loving and kind to others who do not follow their faith, they still can easily be condescending towards others with off-the-cuff insults of other faiths which show how they really feel. I'm not saying one branch/denomination does it more than any other. There are people in all of them who do it, and even though I hate it, I've done it myself.
Honestly, I do not think that ANY of the churches have it all exactly right. I don't think I would feel proud and confident and certain about following any set theology of any denomination/branch of Christianity. I do believe in everything in the Apostle's Creed. I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe God lifts up the humble, and opposes the proud. He inhabits the praise of His people. He loves it when we take care of each other and love one another. So, I simply want to strive to do those things. I don't want to argue about dogma. I'm more concerned about wrong actions and attitudes than in following the "correct" theology.
"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."
I am such a sinner with such a lack of self-control, that even when I feel angry about the pridefulness I see, I can't hold it against anyone. I can't be that servant who was forgiven of a massive debt, but then starts to strangle the slave who owes him. I've been forgiven much, so I must love much. But, it does put me in a funk when I see flagrant examples of spiritual arrogance. I don't know how to stay calm in these situations. I'm sure I'm too sensitive. I really can't believe how much it gets to me. Lord, have mercy on me.
While I don't feel confident about any particular Christian church being the right one, I do feel confident in God's hand in my life. I do feel confident that I need to allow Christ into my life to a greater degree to guide me and to use me, and I need to pray more and be in His word more. I also feel confident that He wants me to be a better servant. Those are the things I trust to be true.
When I have asked others why people's triumphalism gets me so ruffled, the answer I have gotten is that I'm threatened that maybe the people who are being triumphalistic are indeed right. I don't think that is true. I think what is true is that I take GREAT pleasure in being around people who, for the most part, are kindred spirits with me. I love camaraderie. When I find myself in a situation where I feel like we are having a pep rally for a particular faith and not a pep rally for Christ, I know I don't fit in. I feel very alone, and I feel very defensive for the other Christians from other branches/denominations who I love and admire, who are being insulted or looked down upon. Maybe I need to learn to be content to be alone, but I don't know how.
The question came up, "Where is your well where you find the living water of Christ?" For me, it's not in one church. It's with people from many churches who come together and all out of love for Christ. When there are Christians who are together from many different churches, the triumphalistic airs dissipate, the legalistic dogmas disappear, and we can get to the business of worshiping the risen Lord without all of the entanglements.
Again, as I've said in so many blogs before, I know this isn't a huge, big hardship or anything. I know I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. But if anyone has any advice on how to handle this better, please tell me.
He hates even just a proud look. In Proverbs 16:5, it says, "Everyone who is proud at heart is an abomination to the Lord."
That verse scares me because I can be proud when I have no right to be. I have to constantly remind myself how much God hates pride, but loves humility.
We live in a very proud society. Pride seeps into our churches so easily. I am so perplexed when people from every branch of Christianity and from so many denominations proclaim that they are the one and only true church. They proclaim that they are the "correct path" to Christ. Even while they might be loving and kind to others who do not follow their faith, they still can easily be condescending towards others with off-the-cuff insults of other faiths which show how they really feel. I'm not saying one branch/denomination does it more than any other. There are people in all of them who do it, and even though I hate it, I've done it myself.
Honestly, I do not think that ANY of the churches have it all exactly right. I don't think I would feel proud and confident and certain about following any set theology of any denomination/branch of Christianity. I do believe in everything in the Apostle's Creed. I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe God lifts up the humble, and opposes the proud. He inhabits the praise of His people. He loves it when we take care of each other and love one another. So, I simply want to strive to do those things. I don't want to argue about dogma. I'm more concerned about wrong actions and attitudes than in following the "correct" theology.
"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."
I am such a sinner with such a lack of self-control, that even when I feel angry about the pridefulness I see, I can't hold it against anyone. I can't be that servant who was forgiven of a massive debt, but then starts to strangle the slave who owes him. I've been forgiven much, so I must love much. But, it does put me in a funk when I see flagrant examples of spiritual arrogance. I don't know how to stay calm in these situations. I'm sure I'm too sensitive. I really can't believe how much it gets to me. Lord, have mercy on me.
While I don't feel confident about any particular Christian church being the right one, I do feel confident in God's hand in my life. I do feel confident that I need to allow Christ into my life to a greater degree to guide me and to use me, and I need to pray more and be in His word more. I also feel confident that He wants me to be a better servant. Those are the things I trust to be true.
When I have asked others why people's triumphalism gets me so ruffled, the answer I have gotten is that I'm threatened that maybe the people who are being triumphalistic are indeed right. I don't think that is true. I think what is true is that I take GREAT pleasure in being around people who, for the most part, are kindred spirits with me. I love camaraderie. When I find myself in a situation where I feel like we are having a pep rally for a particular faith and not a pep rally for Christ, I know I don't fit in. I feel very alone, and I feel very defensive for the other Christians from other branches/denominations who I love and admire, who are being insulted or looked down upon. Maybe I need to learn to be content to be alone, but I don't know how.
The question came up, "Where is your well where you find the living water of Christ?" For me, it's not in one church. It's with people from many churches who come together and all out of love for Christ. When there are Christians who are together from many different churches, the triumphalistic airs dissipate, the legalistic dogmas disappear, and we can get to the business of worshiping the risen Lord without all of the entanglements.
Again, as I've said in so many blogs before, I know this isn't a huge, big hardship or anything. I know I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. But if anyone has any advice on how to handle this better, please tell me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Another blog about my weight which is kind of cynical and unmotivated
There are lots of people I know who are doing the "Ideal Protein Diet"...it feels like more and more every time I turn around. I know it works for some people, but I also know it is very expensive and very restrictive. You don't do this diet unless you are extremely serious. I guess I'm not that serious. I mean, during the summer months when I have less stress, I'm pretty sure I could handle the restrictiveness of it, but it's the money outlay that gets me.
When I look up online what percentage of people who lose weight actually keep it off, the numbers are really grim...about 5%. There are lots of biological factors which make it much harder for people who have lost weight to actually maintain that weight. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all
Call me a cynic, but I don't want to pay all of this money to lose weight this summer only to gain it all back during the school year next year. When my kids have a lot going on, and I'm teaching, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet which requires so much thought and discipline. In the past, I've thought that once I got the weight off, I could kind of coast along. But no. It seems that once a person has gotten to an overweight state for several years, it takes tons of discipline, planning, and purposefulness for a lifetime to lose weight and stay there. I know that during the school year, I'm not willing to do that.
Recently, I read an article about hospice care and the medical costs of treating cancer. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all Several things struck me as I read this article. One thing that really struck me is how doctors don't want to accept the harsh realities of a cancer diagnosis, much less share these realities with patients. They would rather give the patients hopes in completely unproven, untested procedures which can steal the last years of the patients' lives while they chase treatment after treatment and which also cause the patient to spend much more time in the hospital when they could be at home with their loved ones. It was incredible to me that the patients who accepted their diagnosis and just went the hospice route lived longer on average and had a much better quality of life in their last years. The article is not saying that doctors and families shouldn't do everything possible to save lives, but it's important for families to know to what extent their loved one wants to pursue treatment in order to stay alive especially in this age of technology...is it worth it to stay alive when you are no longer coherent and are in a vegetative state? Issues like these have been debated for quite awhile now, but I think the main thrust of this article is that patients and families of patients need to be realistic about what their options are and should have talked ahead of time about at what point they would want to forgo medical treatment.
So what does weight loss have to do with cancer? Well, I think no one wants to be really honest about just how entirely rare it is to lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off long term. Five percent or less. I hope that my friends working so hard to lose weight are in that 5% or less category. Who at all would benefit from someone saying that losing weight and actually keeping it off is next to impossible? Not the weight loss companies, not the media, not people in the health care field. It could also affect overweight people themselves in a negative way because it might make them just throw the towel in and stop trying. For me, though, it doesn't have that effect. Right now, I just feel happy that my weight didn't get higher than it did at its peak. I feel really resolute to stop it from getting higher because I know what an uphill struggle it is to get MORE weight off.
I feel like I've plunked down so much money and dreamed so many dreams of losing weight all for naught, esp when I think about the 35 lbs I would need to lose to get to my goal weight. But it's not all for naught when I think about how I did lose about 20 lbs from where my peak was, and I hover in that area all year round. Sometimes I'm 25 lbs lower than that peak and sometimes I'm 15 lbs lower. I know I can't ever coast along because as soon as I do, I gain weight quick! So I have to keep exercising and watching what I eat, but don't we all?
So, I'm trying to determine what my goal should be now in the summer since I do have more time and emotional energy to give to better eating habits and exercise. I ordered a Jillian Michaels Sculpting DVD this morning which I'm going to check out, and my friend told me about how compression socks really help to protect your joints in running. So, I think I might try those and see about trying to jog again. As far as eating goes, I'm at a loss. I know I don't want to do anything extreme. I had tried the 5-2 fasting diet, but for me, it does make me crave donuts and other bad food like crazy on the days I'm not fasting. Maybe I will try it again, without the stress of school, and see if I can get my body into a set rhythm with it.
I can't decide if my ambivalence about my weight right now is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess that's why I'm ambivalent!
When I look up online what percentage of people who lose weight actually keep it off, the numbers are really grim...about 5%. There are lots of biological factors which make it much harder for people who have lost weight to actually maintain that weight. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all
Call me a cynic, but I don't want to pay all of this money to lose weight this summer only to gain it all back during the school year next year. When my kids have a lot going on, and I'm teaching, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet which requires so much thought and discipline. In the past, I've thought that once I got the weight off, I could kind of coast along. But no. It seems that once a person has gotten to an overweight state for several years, it takes tons of discipline, planning, and purposefulness for a lifetime to lose weight and stay there. I know that during the school year, I'm not willing to do that.
Recently, I read an article about hospice care and the medical costs of treating cancer. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all Several things struck me as I read this article. One thing that really struck me is how doctors don't want to accept the harsh realities of a cancer diagnosis, much less share these realities with patients. They would rather give the patients hopes in completely unproven, untested procedures which can steal the last years of the patients' lives while they chase treatment after treatment and which also cause the patient to spend much more time in the hospital when they could be at home with their loved ones. It was incredible to me that the patients who accepted their diagnosis and just went the hospice route lived longer on average and had a much better quality of life in their last years. The article is not saying that doctors and families shouldn't do everything possible to save lives, but it's important for families to know to what extent their loved one wants to pursue treatment in order to stay alive especially in this age of technology...is it worth it to stay alive when you are no longer coherent and are in a vegetative state? Issues like these have been debated for quite awhile now, but I think the main thrust of this article is that patients and families of patients need to be realistic about what their options are and should have talked ahead of time about at what point they would want to forgo medical treatment.
So what does weight loss have to do with cancer? Well, I think no one wants to be really honest about just how entirely rare it is to lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off long term. Five percent or less. I hope that my friends working so hard to lose weight are in that 5% or less category. Who at all would benefit from someone saying that losing weight and actually keeping it off is next to impossible? Not the weight loss companies, not the media, not people in the health care field. It could also affect overweight people themselves in a negative way because it might make them just throw the towel in and stop trying. For me, though, it doesn't have that effect. Right now, I just feel happy that my weight didn't get higher than it did at its peak. I feel really resolute to stop it from getting higher because I know what an uphill struggle it is to get MORE weight off.
I feel like I've plunked down so much money and dreamed so many dreams of losing weight all for naught, esp when I think about the 35 lbs I would need to lose to get to my goal weight. But it's not all for naught when I think about how I did lose about 20 lbs from where my peak was, and I hover in that area all year round. Sometimes I'm 25 lbs lower than that peak and sometimes I'm 15 lbs lower. I know I can't ever coast along because as soon as I do, I gain weight quick! So I have to keep exercising and watching what I eat, but don't we all?
So, I'm trying to determine what my goal should be now in the summer since I do have more time and emotional energy to give to better eating habits and exercise. I ordered a Jillian Michaels Sculpting DVD this morning which I'm going to check out, and my friend told me about how compression socks really help to protect your joints in running. So, I think I might try those and see about trying to jog again. As far as eating goes, I'm at a loss. I know I don't want to do anything extreme. I had tried the 5-2 fasting diet, but for me, it does make me crave donuts and other bad food like crazy on the days I'm not fasting. Maybe I will try it again, without the stress of school, and see if I can get my body into a set rhythm with it.
I can't decide if my ambivalence about my weight right now is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess that's why I'm ambivalent!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Random
A Mother's Instinct
This week this guy let me in on a little secret about guys. He told me that when a woman is angry and starts communicating that anger to a guy, the guy won't respond well. He can't process or hear at all what the woman is saying. All he thinks is: "Mad Woman" and his brain turns off from there. That struck my funny bone, but I know from experience it is true! I've also read about an emotional weapon a woman can use for her benefit, and I know from experience it works! I don't try to use it, but sometimes it happens naturally. Maybe you can guess what it is, but I can't share it here because it's a secret. :)
The other day while I was taking Tobias somewhere (he was in the front passenger seat), I went around a curve a little faster than I meant to and that universal motherly instinct came over me forcing me to extend my arm across Tobias's chest, as though that would keep him from flying out of the car.
He looked at me like I was a little crazy and asked why I always do that. He asked if I really thought that would save him. I told him, "No, it's just what every mother does even though it makes no sense whatsoever." Actually I think it is a great example of how we moms probably do a lot of things that make no sense but stem from our protective instincts for our young. It's so deep in there.
This year, I have prayed most weeks with a group of moms about whatever requests they might have. Almost every week, most of the requests have something to do with our children. It's been so nice for me to see that I'm not the only one who struggles with thinking that if I do this, and this, and this, my children will be protected when clearly that is not the case, especially as our kids are getting older and older. Many times our efforts to protect them are just like my arm shooting across my child when I'm driving. It feels good and natural to DO something, but it really is not what is going to help them. You have to put them in God's care because ultimately His protection is a whole lot stronger than your easily broken arm! Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to be able to experience the fierce, protective love a mom has for her children, though. And there are times when it is useful. Certainly, God gives it to us for a reason! I just have to remember when it's not helping anything...and when it's actually kind of...illogical.
Mother's Day/Father's Day/Valentine's Day, etc
Personally, I wish there was no such thing as any of the above holidays. Over the years, they all have started annoying me. Take Valentine's Day for instance, why can't we just celebrate our anniversary, or our husband's birthday? Why do we have to lob all of these expectations on each other for Valentine's Day, too? There are too many people who are depressed on Valentine's Day because they don't have a romantic interest, and there are too many wives who are disappointed with their husbands' forgetfulness or lame attempts on Valentine's Day. This is no reflection on Stuart. He does a better job with Valentine's Day than I do. Then, there's Mother's Day and Father's Day. Again, why is it not enough to celebrate our moms or dads on their birthdays or other random times? No offense to my mom. She's great. For me, though, I'd rather my children not have to worry with Mother's Day/Father's Day. One celebration for me a year is more than enough. On my birthday. Plus, I've just heard of many women who are very hurt on Mother's Day because they are infertile. That's probably my number one reason for not liking any of these holidays. I hate that not everyone can enjoy the celebrating, and instead, these holidays make some people more aware than ever that they don't have a romantic interest or they don't have a child. It's just not necessary. Bah Humbug.
Mad Woman
This week this guy let me in on a little secret about guys. He told me that when a woman is angry and starts communicating that anger to a guy, the guy won't respond well. He can't process or hear at all what the woman is saying. All he thinks is: "Mad Woman" and his brain turns off from there. That struck my funny bone, but I know from experience it is true! I've also read about an emotional weapon a woman can use for her benefit, and I know from experience it works! I don't try to use it, but sometimes it happens naturally. Maybe you can guess what it is, but I can't share it here because it's a secret. :)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
How do you feel?
A couple of weeks ago, my youngest child posed a pretty profound question. He asked if I thought people felt very differently. I asked him to elaborate. He said something like, "I wonder if I put who I am in another person's body, if I would feel very differently. Would my life be kind of similar to how it is now or would it be completely different."
"You mean, you wonder how different life would feel if you were in a tall kid's body or if you were in the body of someone who has autism or in someone's body who is really athletic?" He said that was exactly what he meant. I told him it would probably vary according to what the difference was. He said he just wondered if all people pretty much have the same amount of happiness and sadness in their lives.
This question of his has truly filled my mind with wonderment for the past few weeks. I look at people of all shapes, colors, and ages and I wonder. I wonder what my son was wondering. Are our life experiences pretty much the same or are they radically different?
One time a friend of mine was telling me that we all feel the same depth of emotion regardless of what is going on in our lives. I believe the example she used was that a middle-class housewife might become besides herself with frustration that her carpets need to be replaced, but she knows they can't afford it. At the same time, a woman from a low socio-economic background might feel the same level of frustration that there are drug dealers who hang out near her apartment who threaten her security. Clearly, the person from the poorer neighborhood has more reason to be upset, but the middle-class woman will work herself up into just as much of a tizzy. My friend said that is how we are wired: to have our ups and our downs no matter what the circumstances are that we find ourselves in.
She makes an interesting point, and I think of her point whenever I am experiencing a "first world problem"...like the anger that I feel when I try to login to my gmail account, but it won't let me until I put in the code they send to my cell phone, forcing me to track down my cell phone....EVEN THOUGH I have checked the box that says to trust this computer and don't verify it again!!! So maddening!! Look at me: I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. ;) It is at those times sometimes that I think about the people in Tanzania who Stuart told me about. After traveling there this past year, he said that most Tanzanians access to technologies is comparable to the technology most Americans had at their disposal in the early 1900s (except that curiously most Tanzanians have a cell phone! with good service!). They work out in the fields doing manual labor all day, and me? I'm sitting on my bottom getting sooooo angry about something as piddly as a password. And to hear Stuart tell it, the Tanzanians are much more at peace than most Americans. So, we're back to the same question: Would my life feel completely different if my soul was in a Tanzanian body...in Tanzania?
Just living my life thus far, I can safely say that my 33-year-old self lived a very different life than my 44-year-old self is now living. Having babies whose lives were so dependent on me filled me with thick anxiety every day for years. I had trouble going to sleep, and when I did sleep, I would dream of things like my babies crawling to a 2nd story window and falling out, dying. This was a reoccurring dream. (My daughter recently told me about a dream she had where there was a DNA storage facility where you could pick up whatever DNA you needed to heal anyone who was injured or who had died...while according to my son, this doesn't make any biological sense, I loved her optimism. I hope she keeps dreaming that. :) I was sleep deprived, and my cortisol levels never could seem to catch up. To this day, there are mornings when I forget that I'm not 33 any more, and I wake up feeling like a ball of nerves with my heart racing and my neck throbbing. I have to remind myself that my youngest is 12 years old now, and while I feel beyond grateful, it takes my body awhile to accept this truth. These days, I get plenty of sleep and my life feels pretty manageable. Thank God my kids are all okay, and my nerve endings have healed a great deal. It's a completely different life where I can actually enjoy going on a date with my husband!
If the life I'm experiencing today is very different from the one I experienced years ago, surely the life experience of one person to another are very different, as well, considering most of us are at different stages. The question remains, though, about the whole of a person's life. In regards to life experiences, people's lives clearly are different and must feel very different, but in regards to emotions...over the long haul, do most people experience the same amount of joy and sadness over their lifetimes?
I believe they probably do. As I've thought about it, I believe that somehow, the amount of celebrations and trials for most people probably even out with each other. For some people like Bill Clinton, their peaks and valleys probably have more contrasts...one day being elected POTUS, the next day possibly being impeached. But, I think the joy and sorrow he feels probably isn't that much different than the next person.
What I do believe strongly is that our ability to have faith in God and His goodness is the game changer for people's life experiences. We are all going have good things and bad things happen to us, and we will all feel the normal joy and sadness with that. However, the people who are convinced of God's goodness in their lives are able to walk through the valleys of life with a quiet contentment which gives them strength. This quiet contentment makes all of the difference in taking someone's life to a different level of experience that many of us would like to arrive at, but it is the road less traveled.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
"You mean, you wonder how different life would feel if you were in a tall kid's body or if you were in the body of someone who has autism or in someone's body who is really athletic?" He said that was exactly what he meant. I told him it would probably vary according to what the difference was. He said he just wondered if all people pretty much have the same amount of happiness and sadness in their lives.
This question of his has truly filled my mind with wonderment for the past few weeks. I look at people of all shapes, colors, and ages and I wonder. I wonder what my son was wondering. Are our life experiences pretty much the same or are they radically different?
One time a friend of mine was telling me that we all feel the same depth of emotion regardless of what is going on in our lives. I believe the example she used was that a middle-class housewife might become besides herself with frustration that her carpets need to be replaced, but she knows they can't afford it. At the same time, a woman from a low socio-economic background might feel the same level of frustration that there are drug dealers who hang out near her apartment who threaten her security. Clearly, the person from the poorer neighborhood has more reason to be upset, but the middle-class woman will work herself up into just as much of a tizzy. My friend said that is how we are wired: to have our ups and our downs no matter what the circumstances are that we find ourselves in.
She makes an interesting point, and I think of her point whenever I am experiencing a "first world problem"...like the anger that I feel when I try to login to my gmail account, but it won't let me until I put in the code they send to my cell phone, forcing me to track down my cell phone....EVEN THOUGH I have checked the box that says to trust this computer and don't verify it again!!! So maddening!! Look at me: I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. ;) It is at those times sometimes that I think about the people in Tanzania who Stuart told me about. After traveling there this past year, he said that most Tanzanians access to technologies is comparable to the technology most Americans had at their disposal in the early 1900s (except that curiously most Tanzanians have a cell phone! with good service!). They work out in the fields doing manual labor all day, and me? I'm sitting on my bottom getting sooooo angry about something as piddly as a password. And to hear Stuart tell it, the Tanzanians are much more at peace than most Americans. So, we're back to the same question: Would my life feel completely different if my soul was in a Tanzanian body...in Tanzania?
Just living my life thus far, I can safely say that my 33-year-old self lived a very different life than my 44-year-old self is now living. Having babies whose lives were so dependent on me filled me with thick anxiety every day for years. I had trouble going to sleep, and when I did sleep, I would dream of things like my babies crawling to a 2nd story window and falling out, dying. This was a reoccurring dream. (My daughter recently told me about a dream she had where there was a DNA storage facility where you could pick up whatever DNA you needed to heal anyone who was injured or who had died...while according to my son, this doesn't make any biological sense, I loved her optimism. I hope she keeps dreaming that. :) I was sleep deprived, and my cortisol levels never could seem to catch up. To this day, there are mornings when I forget that I'm not 33 any more, and I wake up feeling like a ball of nerves with my heart racing and my neck throbbing. I have to remind myself that my youngest is 12 years old now, and while I feel beyond grateful, it takes my body awhile to accept this truth. These days, I get plenty of sleep and my life feels pretty manageable. Thank God my kids are all okay, and my nerve endings have healed a great deal. It's a completely different life where I can actually enjoy going on a date with my husband!
If the life I'm experiencing today is very different from the one I experienced years ago, surely the life experience of one person to another are very different, as well, considering most of us are at different stages. The question remains, though, about the whole of a person's life. In regards to life experiences, people's lives clearly are different and must feel very different, but in regards to emotions...over the long haul, do most people experience the same amount of joy and sadness over their lifetimes?
I believe they probably do. As I've thought about it, I believe that somehow, the amount of celebrations and trials for most people probably even out with each other. For some people like Bill Clinton, their peaks and valleys probably have more contrasts...one day being elected POTUS, the next day possibly being impeached. But, I think the joy and sorrow he feels probably isn't that much different than the next person.
What I do believe strongly is that our ability to have faith in God and His goodness is the game changer for people's life experiences. We are all going have good things and bad things happen to us, and we will all feel the normal joy and sadness with that. However, the people who are convinced of God's goodness in their lives are able to walk through the valleys of life with a quiet contentment which gives them strength. This quiet contentment makes all of the difference in taking someone's life to a different level of experience that many of us would like to arrive at, but it is the road less traveled.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23
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