How do you feel?

A couple of weeks ago, my youngest child posed a pretty profound question.  He asked if I thought people felt very differently.  I asked him to elaborate.  He said something like, "I wonder if I put who I am in another person's body, if I would feel very differently.  Would my life be kind of similar to how it is now or would it be completely different."

"You mean, you wonder how different life would feel if you were in a tall kid's body or if you were in the body of someone who has autism or in someone's body who is really athletic?"  He said that was exactly what he meant.  I told him it would probably vary according to what the difference was.  He said he just wondered if all people pretty much have the same amount of happiness and sadness in their lives.

This question of his has truly filled my mind with wonderment for the past few weeks.  I look at people of all shapes, colors, and ages and I wonder.  I wonder what my son was wondering.  Are our life experiences pretty much the same or are they radically different?

One time a friend of mine was telling me that we all feel the same depth of emotion regardless of what is going on in our lives.  I believe the example she used was that a middle-class housewife might become besides herself with frustration that her carpets need to be replaced, but she knows they can't afford it.  At the same time, a woman from a low socio-economic background might feel the same level of frustration that there are drug dealers who hang out near her apartment who threaten her security.  Clearly, the person from the poorer neighborhood has more reason to be upset, but the middle-class woman will work herself up into just as much of a tizzy.  My friend said that is how we are wired:  to have our ups and our downs no matter what the circumstances are that we find ourselves in.

She makes an interesting point, and I think of her point whenever I am experiencing a "first world problem"...like the anger that I feel when I try to login to my gmail account, but it won't let me until I put in the code they send to my cell phone, forcing me to track down my cell phone....EVEN THOUGH I have checked the box that says to trust this computer and don't verify it again!!!  So maddening!!  Look at me:  I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. ;) It is at those times sometimes that I think about the people in Tanzania who Stuart told me about.  After traveling there this past year, he said that most Tanzanians access to technologies is comparable to the technology most Americans had at their disposal in the early 1900s (except that curiously most Tanzanians have a cell phone! with good service!).  They work out in the fields doing manual labor all day, and me?  I'm sitting on my bottom getting sooooo angry about something as piddly as a password.  And to hear Stuart tell it, the Tanzanians are much more at peace than most Americans.  So, we're back to the same question:  Would my life feel completely different if my soul was in a Tanzanian body...in Tanzania?

Just living my life thus far, I can safely say that my 33-year-old self lived a very different life than my 44-year-old self is now living.  Having babies whose lives were so dependent on me filled me with thick anxiety every day for years.  I had trouble going to sleep, and when I did sleep, I would dream of things like my babies crawling to a 2nd story window and falling out, dying.   This was a reoccurring dream. (My daughter recently told me about a dream she had where there was a DNA storage facility where you could pick up whatever DNA you needed to heal anyone who was injured or who had died...while according to my son, this doesn't make any biological sense, I loved her optimism.  I hope she keeps dreaming that. :) I was sleep deprived, and my cortisol levels never could seem to catch up.  To this day, there are mornings when I forget that I'm not 33 any more, and I wake up feeling like a ball of nerves with my heart racing and my neck throbbing.  I have to remind myself that my youngest is 12 years old now, and while I feel beyond grateful, it takes my body awhile to accept this truth.  These days, I get plenty of sleep and my life feels pretty manageable.  Thank God my kids are all okay, and my nerve endings have healed a great deal.  It's a completely different life where I can actually enjoy going on a date with my husband!

If the life I'm experiencing today is very different from the one I experienced years ago, surely the life experience of one person to another are very different, as well, considering most of us are at different stages.  The question remains, though, about the whole of a person's life.  In regards to life experiences, people's lives clearly are different and must feel very different, but in regards to emotions...over the long haul, do most people experience the same amount of joy and sadness over their lifetimes?

I believe they probably do.  As I've thought about it, I believe that somehow, the amount of celebrations and trials for most people probably even out with each other.  For some people like Bill Clinton, their peaks and valleys probably have more contrasts...one day being elected POTUS, the next day possibly being impeached.  But, I think the joy and sorrow he feels probably isn't that much different than the next person.

What I do believe strongly is that our ability to have faith in God and His goodness is the game changer for people's life experiences.  We are all going have good things and bad things happen to us, and we will all feel the normal joy and sadness with that.  However, the people who are convinced of God's goodness in their lives are able to walk through the valleys of life with a quiet contentment which gives them strength.  This quiet contentment makes all of the difference in taking someone's life to a different level of experience that many of us would like to arrive at, but it is the road less traveled.

"The joy of the Lord is your strength."  Nehemiah 8:10

 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

TMI about PMS

I hope this will not be TMI.

During my normal day to day life, I tend to minimalize the things that bother me.  I was raised that if I didn't have anything positive to say, I would either be ignored or sent to my room until I could have a more positive attitude.  Maybe that's why I carved the words, "Damn Mom" on my bed frame one day.  Ahem.  Anyway, as a mom, I can totally see why mom reacted to my negativity in this way.  No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, and I can be a damn depressing Debbie Downer!  Plus, everyone knows if you want to be happy, you need to ACT like you are happy.  It does no one any good to wallow around in the muckiness of life. So, I get it.

I also get that the most well-liked people are the ones who go around with a smile on their faces.  You know, the ones who reply "Never better," when you ask them how they are doing.  And probably one of my biggest sins is that I want so much to be liked, and I place this desire above my desire to serve God and others.  So, I put on a happy face as much as possible.  I try not focus on those things that bother me.

BUT THEN.....

PMS arrives (and this is where it might get a little TMI...and yes, I did just use two acronyms in one sentence, making me sound like a teenager so five years ago.)  On normal, non-PMS days, I tend to sock my resentments and irritations into something like a clothes dryer.  I don't see them, but I know they are in there rumbling around, over and over.  PMS comes around and opens the dryer up, takes the resentments out and shakes them out, making them very, very visible to me.  I no longer can ignore them.  As I become acutely aware of them again, I wonder what kind of game I'm playing...not addressing them for all of this time...not praying about them...and not even being aware of them.

The beauty of PMS, as a friend of mine pointed out to me, is that it forces me to acknowledge those things that do need to be examined and possibly changed.  It is painful, but pain is usually God's way of strengthening us, right?  Isn't any strength building exercise like that?  So, I've grown to maybe not be excited about PMS, but in a strange way, thankful for it.

The one thing that always seems to come up during my days of PMSing is my frustration and my lack of acceptance about where we go to church.  It's where my husband has found his spiritual home.  He's not leaving.  But it's not my spiritual home, and that fills me with resentment during PMS time.  While my husband has given me the option, over and over again, to go somewhere else, I tend to minimalize my issues with the church in my desire for family unity and strive to focus on those things that are beautiful, good, and true in our church.  I try to focus on the thankfulness I feel that my husband and I both come from great Christian, supportive families and that I'm a part of a wonderful Christian homeschooling community.  I also am so grateful for many solid Christian friendships.  And to be fair, God has blessed our church with the best priest ever.  If anyone is into Orthodoxy, I really don't see how they could find a more loving, learned, wise, godly priest. He's also a great speaker and teacher. So, I am thankful for him, too.

I wish I could say I have figured out what to do about this issue, but every time I get angry about being stuck at this church, the only answer God seems to give me is to thank Him for doing something through this that I can't see.  It feels clear to me that leaving this church, while it would feel so satisfying to me for a time, would be wrong.  So, I struggle through the pain of it, and I do wonder if some day it will feel right in my soul to leave and go to another church where I can finally be free.  In the meantime, it seems to be the cross I have to bear.  I understand that compared to other people's suffering, my situation doesn't seem that bad.  I mean, it's not as though anyone is abusing me or threatening to kill me for my faith.  In fact, most people at my church are extremely kind to me.  It's just that, well, as I said before, I'm an opinionated, stubborn? gal, and it's difficult to constantly be running into contrary ideas at the place I wish was my spiritual home.

But alas, I will trust in what God is weaving in my life, and hope that one day I will understand.

My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

The Next Level

I'm an opinionated gal...about some things.  So, when I see someone doing something that I'm pretty sure, in the long run, is wrong, misguided, or harmful to themselves or others, it's really hard for me not to say something...especially if I like and care about the person.  In my twenties and earlier, I would directly confront the person in question.  Many times, this actually was a successful approach because at least it made the person think more about what they were doing, but I realized that I burned some bridges doing it this way.  In my thirties, I tried to find ways not to be quite so direct, but to do it in a more subtle, round about way where the person might get the hint.  To me, this seemed like the worst way to do it because I'm not good at subtle, and the person usually didn't get the hint.  Plus, I wasn't able to get my fully point across.  Therefore, I felt frustrated and stunted and eventually, sometimes, my opinions would end up spewing forth in an unhealthy, ugly way.

Now, in my 40s, I have eaten enough humble pie to value my own opinion a bit less.  But, let me make sure you understand, I'm not opinionated about very many things.  I'm just very opinionated about a few things.  When people ask my opinion specific parenting questions or when someone asks me the best way to do something in particular, I rarely have a clear idea which way is the best.  I'm not analytical like that.  I'm more perceptive.  So, anyway, while I still have this strong sense of what I think about some things, there is a little voice in my head that says, "You could be wrong.  You've been wrong before."  Ha!  I've begun to learn the importance of letting things sit for awhile before jumping in to give my opinion.  That's something kind of new for me in my 40s.  Also, I have a bit more respect for other's opinions.  While I might think someone is wrong, I give them more of a benefit of the doubt.  I try to find out where they are coming from before I just decide they are crazy.  Over the years, I have come to realize that some of my favorite people who are just stocked full of goodness, appreciate different things than I do.  They want to put energies and money into different things than I do.  While I might not agree, I understand that what they are doing might not be helpful in my world or in my way of thinking, but it might be helpful to a whole percentage of people who are like them.  Also, I have a bit more faith that other people are smart enough to figure out when something isn't working for them or others, and I have a bit more faith that God can take care of it if they don't.  My job is to cast my cares on Him. So, I've become more contentedly quiet in my opinions.

Still, I do feel a little irresponsible not to let people know my concerns.  I've never been much of a fan of the motto: "Live and let live" because to me, that seems uncaring.  I think the answer is to be prayerful, and ask God to make it clear when it is time to say something.  I do wish many times that I could just be honest and open with people like I am with my immediate family.  I don't have to have much of a filter with them because they are secure in my love for them, and they also know that I'm willing to concede when I'm wrong.  I asked my daughter one day if she would want me to tell her if I wasn't keen about someone she was dating or was engaged to.  She laughed and said that there would be no way I could cover that up.  It wouldn't even be a choice.  She would know.  And that's pretty much how it is with our family and their knowledge of my opinions.  By the time, we start bringing in-laws into the family, though, I'll probably be glad to have learned to use a prayerful filter because it will probably take years to develop trust with new members to the family.

The other night I was talking to a friend of mine about some disappointment and anger I was feeling towards someone else.  I was telling my friend that I consistently have to swallow my resentment because it seems like the right thing to do.  My friend was saying that it might be better to express my frustration to this person in more of a non-confrontational, calm, rational way the next time they upset me.  That's taking it to the next level of maturity.  I don't have that maturity, yet. I thought about how I've gone from being directly confrontational in my 20s, subtly expressive (but sometimes spilling forth emotional lava) in my 30s, and carefully quiet in my 40s.  Maybe in my 50s I can somehow learn to be lovingly, wisely discerning about those things that should be communicated.  I'm not sure how to get to that next level, but it is good to know that this is something to look towards.  May God take my hand and direct me there.

Working with Teens

I hope this won't come across like I think I'm some sort of expert about teenagers because I certainly am not.  I just think teenagers are extremely fascinating to observe as they become their own people and begin to take responsibility for their own lives and their own futures. Every teen is different, and every teen takes a little different route to adulthood, but one thing I have observed with my kids, my kids' friends, and my students is that they are much more ready to accept responsibility for their actions than many people seem to think they would be.  They know that when you let them get by with things, you either don't really care or you don't really think too highly of them.  Conversely, they know when you hold them to a higher standard, you hold them in higher regard and have more faith in their potential. Yeah, none of this is rocket science, and we have all probably heard this sentiment many times before, but I just wonder if we adults really believe this or think about it.

Before you can do this, though, I think you have to build their trust in you, as an adult, that you are FOR them, and you are not picking on them.  At the same time, you kind of have to have an idea of what they are truly capable of so that you don't discourage them by pushing them too hard.  Invariably, though, I'm shown over and over again that the teens in my life are capable of far more than I ever imagine!  That's why it's SUCH a pet peeve of mine when people start griping and complaining about the problems with teenagers.  If people would just be supportive, or at least just be quiet and observe, they might be pleasantly surprised.

Yes, teens mess up.  We all mess up.  And when they mess up, I think it's important to hold them accountable and allow them to make amends.  It's not helpful to sweep it under the rug or to nag, nag, nag about it.  Communicate about it, administer consequences and move on. They will feel so much better for it.  Also, I think it's so important not to peg a teen as being this or that way...they are at an age when they can change drastically from one month to another! It's important not to box them in by what your idea of them is.

When a teen in my life messes up, I usually do not want to let it slide too easily, not because it makes me feel better to get on their case or to exert my authority (at least not usually), but because I know it is good for their own self-respect and growth.  They need to see that they can take responsibility and bounce back from it.  It's a part of them having a healthy sense of faith in themselves that they can rectify problems and eventually do the right thing.  Again, this is all just based on my observations so far.  I might be saying completely different things if I was a police officer who dealt with juvenile delinquents day in and day out.  I might also have different opinions in eight years from now when I raised four teenagers...so we'll see.  ;)  Take it or leave it.

Still, these days, not many things make me happier than watching a teenager successfully rise up to a higher standard and grow in their maturity.  Really, it makes me just as happy to see growth in myself and in my fellow adults, but we adults tend to be sooooooooooo much slower in our growth/progress and so much more guarded about our struggles that it's much more difficult to see growth happen. But growth does happen, and I'm thankful that we all have the ability to change for the better.