The Next Level

I'm an opinionated gal...about some things.  So, when I see someone doing something that I'm pretty sure, in the long run, is wrong, misguided, or harmful to themselves or others, it's really hard for me not to say something...especially if I like and care about the person.  In my twenties and earlier, I would directly confront the person in question.  Many times, this actually was a successful approach because at least it made the person think more about what they were doing, but I realized that I burned some bridges doing it this way.  In my thirties, I tried to find ways not to be quite so direct, but to do it in a more subtle, round about way where the person might get the hint.  To me, this seemed like the worst way to do it because I'm not good at subtle, and the person usually didn't get the hint.  Plus, I wasn't able to get my fully point across.  Therefore, I felt frustrated and stunted and eventually, sometimes, my opinions would end up spewing forth in an unhealthy, ugly way.

Now, in my 40s, I have eaten enough humble pie to value my own opinion a bit less.  But, let me make sure you understand, I'm not opinionated about very many things.  I'm just very opinionated about a few things.  When people ask my opinion specific parenting questions or when someone asks me the best way to do something in particular, I rarely have a clear idea which way is the best.  I'm not analytical like that.  I'm more perceptive.  So, anyway, while I still have this strong sense of what I think about some things, there is a little voice in my head that says, "You could be wrong.  You've been wrong before."  Ha!  I've begun to learn the importance of letting things sit for awhile before jumping in to give my opinion.  That's something kind of new for me in my 40s.  Also, I have a bit more respect for other's opinions.  While I might think someone is wrong, I give them more of a benefit of the doubt.  I try to find out where they are coming from before I just decide they are crazy.  Over the years, I have come to realize that some of my favorite people who are just stocked full of goodness, appreciate different things than I do.  They want to put energies and money into different things than I do.  While I might not agree, I understand that what they are doing might not be helpful in my world or in my way of thinking, but it might be helpful to a whole percentage of people who are like them.  Also, I have a bit more faith that other people are smart enough to figure out when something isn't working for them or others, and I have a bit more faith that God can take care of it if they don't.  My job is to cast my cares on Him. So, I've become more contentedly quiet in my opinions.

Still, I do feel a little irresponsible not to let people know my concerns.  I've never been much of a fan of the motto: "Live and let live" because to me, that seems uncaring.  I think the answer is to be prayerful, and ask God to make it clear when it is time to say something.  I do wish many times that I could just be honest and open with people like I am with my immediate family.  I don't have to have much of a filter with them because they are secure in my love for them, and they also know that I'm willing to concede when I'm wrong.  I asked my daughter one day if she would want me to tell her if I wasn't keen about someone she was dating or was engaged to.  She laughed and said that there would be no way I could cover that up.  It wouldn't even be a choice.  She would know.  And that's pretty much how it is with our family and their knowledge of my opinions.  By the time, we start bringing in-laws into the family, though, I'll probably be glad to have learned to use a prayerful filter because it will probably take years to develop trust with new members to the family.

The other night I was talking to a friend of mine about some disappointment and anger I was feeling towards someone else.  I was telling my friend that I consistently have to swallow my resentment because it seems like the right thing to do.  My friend was saying that it might be better to express my frustration to this person in more of a non-confrontational, calm, rational way the next time they upset me.  That's taking it to the next level of maturity.  I don't have that maturity, yet. I thought about how I've gone from being directly confrontational in my 20s, subtly expressive (but sometimes spilling forth emotional lava) in my 30s, and carefully quiet in my 40s.  Maybe in my 50s I can somehow learn to be lovingly, wisely discerning about those things that should be communicated.  I'm not sure how to get to that next level, but it is good to know that this is something to look towards.  May God take my hand and direct me there.