Ever since Stuart went on his mission trip to Tanzania, I've been thinking about the importance of fatherhood. I can tell even before I write this blog that this entry is not going to be all that coherent or organized because my thoughts are scattered and not completely thought through, but I want to write down my ideas anyway before I forget them. Today, I'm going to write about some of the positive influences fathers have with their daughters. As a disclaimer, I will say that people are resilient, and they can rise above the challenge of not having a strong father figure in their lives, but it is a challenge.
One day, my daughter was having a conversation with one of her friends about a classmate of theirs who is very promiscuous. My daughter's friend said, "Well, she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad. That's why." She was very matter-of-fact about it. It kind of surprised me, but I've always noticed the same trend with girls/women who stand out as being promiscuous. They seem to have such an irrational hunger for a man to accept them that they are willing to throw out their sexuality to any man who will give them attention...even if it's just for a fleeting moment.
Girls who have a close relationship with their fathers do seem to tend to respect their bodies and their whole person more. They are much more selective about who they give their heart and soul to because they already feel accepted and loved by their parents. I've always heard that the best gift you can give to your children is a good marriage. When a couple has a good, faithful marriage, their daughter can see the kind of marriage or relationship she can have with a man...a mutually respectful marriage between two spouses. No marriage is perfect, but a functional marriage can go a long way in giving daughters a sense of belonging. Also, a solid marriage means that the dad will probably be home more and can give guidance and affection to his daughter which she needs to grow strong with a sense of security that she doesn't desperately need the attention of boys her age. Still, if there has been a divorce, fathers can still give their daughters the attention and guidance they need, but it takes a more concerted effort, and it still takes a decent relationship with their ex-wife to make this happen.
I also think that when a girl, and even a woman, have a father who is actively involved in their lives, their boyfriends tend to respect her a little more. Maybe this will sound antiquated, but I have seen the look of fear and/or nervousness on the faces of young men who have picked up our daughter for a date and have met my husband. I wouldn't say my husband is intimidating at all, but these young men seem to understand that our daughter is highly valued by her dad, and they better be on their good side. Again, this might seem old school, but I do believe a father figure in a girl's life provides her with more protection and security to not be bullied or pushed into anything she doesn't consent to.
This is such a touchy subject because I know a lot of girls come from single parent homes, and their father isn't present in their lives. Like I said, there are things a mother can do, such as bringing other male figures into their daughter's life...grandfathers, uncles, trusted family friends...but to me, the fact remains that father figures are so important. I also think of friends whose father passed away. Even though their father might not physically be here, his memory, his love, and his guidance are still very much here to nurture their growth. Even for children whose fathers died at an early age can draw comfort and security from the love their father had for them.
In our society where women are apparently the head of the household in 40% of American homes, I just wish men were valued more for their contributions in the development and health of their children. When Stuart was gone to Tanzania, I could imagine what a loss our family would suffer especially in terms of strength and stability. I have always told my daughter that she doesn't need to get married, and that it's better to not get married than to marry a jerk who will not treat her or her children right. I firmly believe that. However, if she is going to get married and have children, she needs to understand, appreciate, and respect all that her husband brings to the table, which in my opinion is infinitely valuable.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
So, which one is the doctor?
If anything about my siblings ever comes up in conversation with people who don't know my family that well, the #1 most popular question I hear is, "Which one is the doctor?" I used to resent that. I wondered why being a doctor was the only thing people seemed to feel was important enough to note about my siblings and me.
After having my own children, my outlook has changed, though.
My daughter is a go-getter. She was the sophomore class president, the secretary of her school's student body, and the band president. Many times when I would meet other parents and I would introduce myself, they would say,"Oh, I know who your daughter is. Isn't she the president of something?" People seem impressed with her. She has titles...just like my sister. President. M.D., M.D. President.
Believe me. I know that being a doctor is noteworthy and impressive. And with my sister, I'm even more impressed that she was able to work 80-120 hour work weeks which were intense and grueling during her residency, AND be married, AND have three children by the time she earned her medical degree. I've heard the statistics about how most marriages don't make it when one spouse goes through med school. Honestly, I don't know how she did it.
Also, I'm impressed by the time my sister takes to help people; family, friends, and me (even about stupid, non-consequential stuff) even when she's exhausted. I'm impressed that she actually prays with her patients before surgeries, if they would like. I'm impressed that she juggles so much besides her normal job as a gynecologist. So, am I impressed that she's a doctor? In a word. Yes. I'm impressed with anyone who is able to make it through the rigorous training of med school, but that doesn't mean I admire or respect them necessarily. It's the character and care of the doctor which causes me to respect them. However, most people don't know these things about my sister. They just know she is a doctor which seems to be enough.
In regards to my daughter, I'm very proud that she was willing to take the risk of running for president and then wonderfully fulfilling her responsibilities. I'm proud that her peers had enough confidence in her to elect her to these positions, but my proudest of moments of her were when I saw the mettle she is made of. During the spring of her sophomore year, she decided she wanted to become a lifeguard since it was one job she could get as a 15-year-old. She had been on a swim team years before when she was younger, but it really wasn't her forte. However, that spring, she looked into what she would be required to do in order to become a lifeguard. Next, she started independently working on her swimming speed and strength almost every night at the local YMCA. After that, she went through a lifeguard training program, and finally, the day came for her to take the neighborhood MUD's test to see if she could be hired. One aspect of the test was swimming 20 yards out, then swimming 10 feet deep in order to grab a 10-pound brick, carry it out, and then bring the brick back to the starting place, all within a minute and 30 seconds. She tried twice and wasn't able to do it. I think one time the brick slipped out of her hands and another time, she wasn't able to do it in time. After that, she went to the bathroom where she felt sick and faint, but she wasn't going to give up if she didn't have to. She asked the instructor for one more chance. The third time was the charm. She did it. I know that there are tons of kids who pass this test and there are many kids who are lifeguards. Most of the lifeguards she worked with were on their high school swim teams so they were strong swimmers. So, kudos to them! Because of their consistent work over the years, the test probably wasn't that hard. It was very difficult for my daughter, though, and I felt so proud that she went way out of her comfort zone to get this job, and when she probably felt like keeling over and dying, she tried one more time to get that 10-pound brick. And succeeded.
My proudest moments of my daughter have nothing to do with her titles. They have everything to do with her character...like the times she has graciously accepted defeat and the times she has acted honorably towards competitors (even when they have not reciprocated). Likely, those character traits of hard work, discipline, perseverance, kindness, and decency have been helpful in allowing my sister and my daughter to acquire titles, but on the other hand, I know there are others who have these traits who don't have these titles.
So, why doesn't it bother my any more when people ask which sibling is a doctor?
I understand now that titles are easy for people to remember, and they are quick. Doctor=achievement. President=achievement. Done. It's not that people wouldn't admire character qualities of my other siblings or my other children, it's just that those take time to explain, and they are more personal. Titles remind me of a good sound bite. The sound bite does give a lot of information in very few words, so we like them. However, they never tell the whole story - about the person with the title or the other people without the titles. That takes time, and many times, people don't want to take the time or make the investment to learn the whole story.
It is what it is. We humans are the way we are. We can only take in so much information, so titles are a shortcut to classifying people. I'm not saying that's good or bad, it just is. I think I accept it better because I have been able to see the whole stories of my kids from the outside. I see that they all have impressive traits, but I'm probably never going to hear someone ask, "So which one is the hospitable one?" or "So, which one is the forgiving one?", but that doesn't mean these traits matter less. It just means that titles are easier for people to get a handle on.
So, now when people ask, "Which one is the doctor?", I feel happy that my sister actually deserves respect and admiration not because she is a doctor but because of who she is. At the same, I know full well that their question doesn't diminish who my siblings are, either. People want a quick reference point, and as the famous poem says, it was never about them anyways. It's all about God and doing what is right before Him.
After having my own children, my outlook has changed, though.
My daughter is a go-getter. She was the sophomore class president, the secretary of her school's student body, and the band president. Many times when I would meet other parents and I would introduce myself, they would say,"Oh, I know who your daughter is. Isn't she the president of something?" People seem impressed with her. She has titles...just like my sister. President. M.D., M.D. President.
Believe me. I know that being a doctor is noteworthy and impressive. And with my sister, I'm even more impressed that she was able to work 80-120 hour work weeks which were intense and grueling during her residency, AND be married, AND have three children by the time she earned her medical degree. I've heard the statistics about how most marriages don't make it when one spouse goes through med school. Honestly, I don't know how she did it.
Also, I'm impressed by the time my sister takes to help people; family, friends, and me (even about stupid, non-consequential stuff) even when she's exhausted. I'm impressed that she actually prays with her patients before surgeries, if they would like. I'm impressed that she juggles so much besides her normal job as a gynecologist. So, am I impressed that she's a doctor? In a word. Yes. I'm impressed with anyone who is able to make it through the rigorous training of med school, but that doesn't mean I admire or respect them necessarily. It's the character and care of the doctor which causes me to respect them. However, most people don't know these things about my sister. They just know she is a doctor which seems to be enough.
In regards to my daughter, I'm very proud that she was willing to take the risk of running for president and then wonderfully fulfilling her responsibilities. I'm proud that her peers had enough confidence in her to elect her to these positions, but my proudest of moments of her were when I saw the mettle she is made of. During the spring of her sophomore year, she decided she wanted to become a lifeguard since it was one job she could get as a 15-year-old. She had been on a swim team years before when she was younger, but it really wasn't her forte. However, that spring, she looked into what she would be required to do in order to become a lifeguard. Next, she started independently working on her swimming speed and strength almost every night at the local YMCA. After that, she went through a lifeguard training program, and finally, the day came for her to take the neighborhood MUD's test to see if she could be hired. One aspect of the test was swimming 20 yards out, then swimming 10 feet deep in order to grab a 10-pound brick, carry it out, and then bring the brick back to the starting place, all within a minute and 30 seconds. She tried twice and wasn't able to do it. I think one time the brick slipped out of her hands and another time, she wasn't able to do it in time. After that, she went to the bathroom where she felt sick and faint, but she wasn't going to give up if she didn't have to. She asked the instructor for one more chance. The third time was the charm. She did it. I know that there are tons of kids who pass this test and there are many kids who are lifeguards. Most of the lifeguards she worked with were on their high school swim teams so they were strong swimmers. So, kudos to them! Because of their consistent work over the years, the test probably wasn't that hard. It was very difficult for my daughter, though, and I felt so proud that she went way out of her comfort zone to get this job, and when she probably felt like keeling over and dying, she tried one more time to get that 10-pound brick. And succeeded.
My proudest moments of my daughter have nothing to do with her titles. They have everything to do with her character...like the times she has graciously accepted defeat and the times she has acted honorably towards competitors (even when they have not reciprocated). Likely, those character traits of hard work, discipline, perseverance, kindness, and decency have been helpful in allowing my sister and my daughter to acquire titles, but on the other hand, I know there are others who have these traits who don't have these titles.
So, why doesn't it bother my any more when people ask which sibling is a doctor?
I understand now that titles are easy for people to remember, and they are quick. Doctor=achievement. President=achievement. Done. It's not that people wouldn't admire character qualities of my other siblings or my other children, it's just that those take time to explain, and they are more personal. Titles remind me of a good sound bite. The sound bite does give a lot of information in very few words, so we like them. However, they never tell the whole story - about the person with the title or the other people without the titles. That takes time, and many times, people don't want to take the time or make the investment to learn the whole story.
It is what it is. We humans are the way we are. We can only take in so much information, so titles are a shortcut to classifying people. I'm not saying that's good or bad, it just is. I think I accept it better because I have been able to see the whole stories of my kids from the outside. I see that they all have impressive traits, but I'm probably never going to hear someone ask, "So which one is the hospitable one?" or "So, which one is the forgiving one?", but that doesn't mean these traits matter less. It just means that titles are easier for people to get a handle on.
So, now when people ask, "Which one is the doctor?", I feel happy that my sister actually deserves respect and admiration not because she is a doctor but because of who she is. At the same, I know full well that their question doesn't diminish who my siblings are, either. People want a quick reference point, and as the famous poem says, it was never about them anyways. It's all about God and doing what is right before Him.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Criticism
22 Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. 23 "Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets. 24 "But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort. 25 Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep. 26 Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
I guess no one particularly enjoys criticism, but some people do seem to deal with it better than others. I do okay with criticism when I think I deserve the criticism, but when I have worked really hard in a certain area, and someone criticizes that area, I don't take it well. For instance, the other day I was criticized for not putting things away. I accept that. I know I'm ba-a-a-a-a-d about that. Today, someone implied that I tend to be late to things, and they were surprised I would be upset if my child was late to something. I didn't take that criticism well even though I'm not naturally a punctual person. The thing is, ever since I've had kids, I have been very committed to getting them to their activities on time and to picking them up on time. I die a million deaths if I ever make them late, or worse yet, if they are one of the last kids to be picked up. When it comes to my kids, I want them to have the security of being on time and knowing that I will be on time to pick them up. Maybe I come across as being laid back, but this is one area that is extremely important to me. I also work hard not to make other people wait on me. So, this particular criticism stung. I mentioned the criticism to my husband, and he said, "Well, you're on time for anything pertaining to the kids and their activities, but you don't care that much about being late to social things or things that involve you personally. So, you can't expect other people to see that distinction." Ahhh, he knows me so well. He's right, and it was such a comfort to have him acknowledge the truth about me.
I'm not being insulted for Christ's sake, so the above verses don't directly apply to the criticism I received, but even so, they kept running through my mind. They were reminding me that I am being quite a baby if I'm going to let a small, petty criticism like this bring me down so much when so many saints, and Christ himself, have suffered much more unjust criticism. A friend was pointing out to me the other day that Christ received more unjust criticism than probably any other person in the Bible. He was constantly being criticized and misunderstood. If my Lord received this kind of criticism when He only deserved praise, then certainly, I should be able to deal with a criticism that is even partially true which I guess I do partially deserve! Also, it's probably good for my soul to be unjustly criticized from time to time. It reminds me that God knows the full truth about me, and it is His view of me that counts. ;)
I remember the priest at our church once saying that out of humility, we shouldn't try to defend ourselves. We should let God defend us. However, if we see someone else being wrongly or unjustly accused or criticized, we should step up. We should be more concerned about others' honor than our own. I loved the nobility in that.
Another idea that floats around in my head when I'm criticized is how my husband says something to the effect that most people probably don't see us for the sinners we actually are. They don't see the depth of our anger, resentment, or our other sins that we harbor and battle with. Most likely, in all honesty, people, even critical people, probably see me in a more positive light than they should...like when they say, "I can't imagine you ever getting mad." Ha-Ha! Therefore, I should be glad when people don't actually see me as better than I am. It's liberating, in a way. But if someone sees me as much better than I actually am, I'm sure to disappoint them.
In watching people around me who are good at taking criticism, one thing I note is that they have a strong sense of who they are and what they think. I remember feeling so upset for my daughter one time when a friend of hers told her she would never even consider going to the school my daughter went to because it was too old, ghetto, and was academically poor. My daughter seemed completely unaffected by these comments. Later, I asked her how she felt about her friend's comments. She said, "I don't care. Why should I? She's never even been to my school, so she doesn't know that. She tends to make lots of wrong assumptions." That's basically what another veteran teacher friend of mine told me once when a parent insulted something my class had worked hours on. She basically said that people just say stuff and a lot of people say stuff without thinking. They don't know the whole situation. And I say stuff when I don't know the whole situation, too!
So criticism. I need to be willing to take it as my Lord did. I need to not be so defensive for my own honor, and let God humble me or elevate me as He sees fit. Finally, I need to be able to let things roll off when they are not true and be secure in what I know to be true.
I guess no one particularly enjoys criticism, but some people do seem to deal with it better than others. I do okay with criticism when I think I deserve the criticism, but when I have worked really hard in a certain area, and someone criticizes that area, I don't take it well. For instance, the other day I was criticized for not putting things away. I accept that. I know I'm ba-a-a-a-a-d about that. Today, someone implied that I tend to be late to things, and they were surprised I would be upset if my child was late to something. I didn't take that criticism well even though I'm not naturally a punctual person. The thing is, ever since I've had kids, I have been very committed to getting them to their activities on time and to picking them up on time. I die a million deaths if I ever make them late, or worse yet, if they are one of the last kids to be picked up. When it comes to my kids, I want them to have the security of being on time and knowing that I will be on time to pick them up. Maybe I come across as being laid back, but this is one area that is extremely important to me. I also work hard not to make other people wait on me. So, this particular criticism stung. I mentioned the criticism to my husband, and he said, "Well, you're on time for anything pertaining to the kids and their activities, but you don't care that much about being late to social things or things that involve you personally. So, you can't expect other people to see that distinction." Ahhh, he knows me so well. He's right, and it was such a comfort to have him acknowledge the truth about me.
I'm not being insulted for Christ's sake, so the above verses don't directly apply to the criticism I received, but even so, they kept running through my mind. They were reminding me that I am being quite a baby if I'm going to let a small, petty criticism like this bring me down so much when so many saints, and Christ himself, have suffered much more unjust criticism. A friend was pointing out to me the other day that Christ received more unjust criticism than probably any other person in the Bible. He was constantly being criticized and misunderstood. If my Lord received this kind of criticism when He only deserved praise, then certainly, I should be able to deal with a criticism that is even partially true which I guess I do partially deserve! Also, it's probably good for my soul to be unjustly criticized from time to time. It reminds me that God knows the full truth about me, and it is His view of me that counts. ;)
I remember the priest at our church once saying that out of humility, we shouldn't try to defend ourselves. We should let God defend us. However, if we see someone else being wrongly or unjustly accused or criticized, we should step up. We should be more concerned about others' honor than our own. I loved the nobility in that.
Another idea that floats around in my head when I'm criticized is how my husband says something to the effect that most people probably don't see us for the sinners we actually are. They don't see the depth of our anger, resentment, or our other sins that we harbor and battle with. Most likely, in all honesty, people, even critical people, probably see me in a more positive light than they should...like when they say, "I can't imagine you ever getting mad." Ha-Ha! Therefore, I should be glad when people don't actually see me as better than I am. It's liberating, in a way. But if someone sees me as much better than I actually am, I'm sure to disappoint them.
In watching people around me who are good at taking criticism, one thing I note is that they have a strong sense of who they are and what they think. I remember feeling so upset for my daughter one time when a friend of hers told her she would never even consider going to the school my daughter went to because it was too old, ghetto, and was academically poor. My daughter seemed completely unaffected by these comments. Later, I asked her how she felt about her friend's comments. She said, "I don't care. Why should I? She's never even been to my school, so she doesn't know that. She tends to make lots of wrong assumptions." That's basically what another veteran teacher friend of mine told me once when a parent insulted something my class had worked hours on. She basically said that people just say stuff and a lot of people say stuff without thinking. They don't know the whole situation. And I say stuff when I don't know the whole situation, too!
So criticism. I need to be willing to take it as my Lord did. I need to not be so defensive for my own honor, and let God humble me or elevate me as He sees fit. Finally, I need to be able to let things roll off when they are not true and be secure in what I know to be true.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Triumphalism
One of my biggest pet peeves is a spirit of triumphalism. The definition of triumphalism according to Merriam Webster is:
: an attitude or feeling of victory or superiority: as
a : the attitude that one religious creed is superior to all others
b : smug or boastful pride in the success or dominance of one's nation or ideology over others
How does God feel about people who have and attitude of superiority or who are smug, boastful, or prideful?
The Bible says in Proverbs 6:16-19: 16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
He hates even just a proud look. In Proverbs 16:5, it says, "Everyone who is proud at heart is an abomination to the Lord."
That verse scares me because I can be proud when I have no right to be. I have to constantly remind myself how much God hates pride, but loves humility.
We live in a very proud society. Pride seeps into our churches so easily. I am so perplexed when people from every branch of Christianity and from so many denominations proclaim that they are the one and only true church. They proclaim that they are the "correct path" to Christ. Even while they might be loving and kind to others who do not follow their faith, they still can easily be condescending towards others with off-the-cuff insults of other faiths which show how they really feel. I'm not saying one branch/denomination does it more than any other. There are people in all of them who do it, and even though I hate it, I've done it myself.
Honestly, I do not think that ANY of the churches have it all exactly right. I don't think I would feel proud and confident and certain about following any set theology of any denomination/branch of Christianity. I do believe in everything in the Apostle's Creed. I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe God lifts up the humble, and opposes the proud. He inhabits the praise of His people. He loves it when we take care of each other and love one another. So, I simply want to strive to do those things. I don't want to argue about dogma. I'm more concerned about wrong actions and attitudes than in following the "correct" theology.
"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."
I am such a sinner with such a lack of self-control, that even when I feel angry about the pridefulness I see, I can't hold it against anyone. I can't be that servant who was forgiven of a massive debt, but then starts to strangle the slave who owes him. I've been forgiven much, so I must love much. But, it does put me in a funk when I see flagrant examples of spiritual arrogance. I don't know how to stay calm in these situations. I'm sure I'm too sensitive. I really can't believe how much it gets to me. Lord, have mercy on me.
While I don't feel confident about any particular Christian church being the right one, I do feel confident in God's hand in my life. I do feel confident that I need to allow Christ into my life to a greater degree to guide me and to use me, and I need to pray more and be in His word more. I also feel confident that He wants me to be a better servant. Those are the things I trust to be true.
When I have asked others why people's triumphalism gets me so ruffled, the answer I have gotten is that I'm threatened that maybe the people who are being triumphalistic are indeed right. I don't think that is true. I think what is true is that I take GREAT pleasure in being around people who, for the most part, are kindred spirits with me. I love camaraderie. When I find myself in a situation where I feel like we are having a pep rally for a particular faith and not a pep rally for Christ, I know I don't fit in. I feel very alone, and I feel very defensive for the other Christians from other branches/denominations who I love and admire, who are being insulted or looked down upon. Maybe I need to learn to be content to be alone, but I don't know how.
The question came up, "Where is your well where you find the living water of Christ?" For me, it's not in one church. It's with people from many churches who come together and all out of love for Christ. When there are Christians who are together from many different churches, the triumphalistic airs dissipate, the legalistic dogmas disappear, and we can get to the business of worshiping the risen Lord without all of the entanglements.
Again, as I've said in so many blogs before, I know this isn't a huge, big hardship or anything. I know I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. But if anyone has any advice on how to handle this better, please tell me.
He hates even just a proud look. In Proverbs 16:5, it says, "Everyone who is proud at heart is an abomination to the Lord."
That verse scares me because I can be proud when I have no right to be. I have to constantly remind myself how much God hates pride, but loves humility.
We live in a very proud society. Pride seeps into our churches so easily. I am so perplexed when people from every branch of Christianity and from so many denominations proclaim that they are the one and only true church. They proclaim that they are the "correct path" to Christ. Even while they might be loving and kind to others who do not follow their faith, they still can easily be condescending towards others with off-the-cuff insults of other faiths which show how they really feel. I'm not saying one branch/denomination does it more than any other. There are people in all of them who do it, and even though I hate it, I've done it myself.
Honestly, I do not think that ANY of the churches have it all exactly right. I don't think I would feel proud and confident and certain about following any set theology of any denomination/branch of Christianity. I do believe in everything in the Apostle's Creed. I believe the Bible is the word of God. I believe God lifts up the humble, and opposes the proud. He inhabits the praise of His people. He loves it when we take care of each other and love one another. So, I simply want to strive to do those things. I don't want to argue about dogma. I'm more concerned about wrong actions and attitudes than in following the "correct" theology.
"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing."
I am such a sinner with such a lack of self-control, that even when I feel angry about the pridefulness I see, I can't hold it against anyone. I can't be that servant who was forgiven of a massive debt, but then starts to strangle the slave who owes him. I've been forgiven much, so I must love much. But, it does put me in a funk when I see flagrant examples of spiritual arrogance. I don't know how to stay calm in these situations. I'm sure I'm too sensitive. I really can't believe how much it gets to me. Lord, have mercy on me.
While I don't feel confident about any particular Christian church being the right one, I do feel confident in God's hand in my life. I do feel confident that I need to allow Christ into my life to a greater degree to guide me and to use me, and I need to pray more and be in His word more. I also feel confident that He wants me to be a better servant. Those are the things I trust to be true.
When I have asked others why people's triumphalism gets me so ruffled, the answer I have gotten is that I'm threatened that maybe the people who are being triumphalistic are indeed right. I don't think that is true. I think what is true is that I take GREAT pleasure in being around people who, for the most part, are kindred spirits with me. I love camaraderie. When I find myself in a situation where I feel like we are having a pep rally for a particular faith and not a pep rally for Christ, I know I don't fit in. I feel very alone, and I feel very defensive for the other Christians from other branches/denominations who I love and admire, who are being insulted or looked down upon. Maybe I need to learn to be content to be alone, but I don't know how.
The question came up, "Where is your well where you find the living water of Christ?" For me, it's not in one church. It's with people from many churches who come together and all out of love for Christ. When there are Christians who are together from many different churches, the triumphalistic airs dissipate, the legalistic dogmas disappear, and we can get to the business of worshiping the risen Lord without all of the entanglements.
Again, as I've said in so many blogs before, I know this isn't a huge, big hardship or anything. I know I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. But if anyone has any advice on how to handle this better, please tell me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Another blog about my weight which is kind of cynical and unmotivated
There are lots of people I know who are doing the "Ideal Protein Diet"...it feels like more and more every time I turn around. I know it works for some people, but I also know it is very expensive and very restrictive. You don't do this diet unless you are extremely serious. I guess I'm not that serious. I mean, during the summer months when I have less stress, I'm pretty sure I could handle the restrictiveness of it, but it's the money outlay that gets me.
When I look up online what percentage of people who lose weight actually keep it off, the numbers are really grim...about 5%. There are lots of biological factors which make it much harder for people who have lost weight to actually maintain that weight. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all
Call me a cynic, but I don't want to pay all of this money to lose weight this summer only to gain it all back during the school year next year. When my kids have a lot going on, and I'm teaching, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet which requires so much thought and discipline. In the past, I've thought that once I got the weight off, I could kind of coast along. But no. It seems that once a person has gotten to an overweight state for several years, it takes tons of discipline, planning, and purposefulness for a lifetime to lose weight and stay there. I know that during the school year, I'm not willing to do that.
Recently, I read an article about hospice care and the medical costs of treating cancer. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all Several things struck me as I read this article. One thing that really struck me is how doctors don't want to accept the harsh realities of a cancer diagnosis, much less share these realities with patients. They would rather give the patients hopes in completely unproven, untested procedures which can steal the last years of the patients' lives while they chase treatment after treatment and which also cause the patient to spend much more time in the hospital when they could be at home with their loved ones. It was incredible to me that the patients who accepted their diagnosis and just went the hospice route lived longer on average and had a much better quality of life in their last years. The article is not saying that doctors and families shouldn't do everything possible to save lives, but it's important for families to know to what extent their loved one wants to pursue treatment in order to stay alive especially in this age of technology...is it worth it to stay alive when you are no longer coherent and are in a vegetative state? Issues like these have been debated for quite awhile now, but I think the main thrust of this article is that patients and families of patients need to be realistic about what their options are and should have talked ahead of time about at what point they would want to forgo medical treatment.
So what does weight loss have to do with cancer? Well, I think no one wants to be really honest about just how entirely rare it is to lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off long term. Five percent or less. I hope that my friends working so hard to lose weight are in that 5% or less category. Who at all would benefit from someone saying that losing weight and actually keeping it off is next to impossible? Not the weight loss companies, not the media, not people in the health care field. It could also affect overweight people themselves in a negative way because it might make them just throw the towel in and stop trying. For me, though, it doesn't have that effect. Right now, I just feel happy that my weight didn't get higher than it did at its peak. I feel really resolute to stop it from getting higher because I know what an uphill struggle it is to get MORE weight off.
I feel like I've plunked down so much money and dreamed so many dreams of losing weight all for naught, esp when I think about the 35 lbs I would need to lose to get to my goal weight. But it's not all for naught when I think about how I did lose about 20 lbs from where my peak was, and I hover in that area all year round. Sometimes I'm 25 lbs lower than that peak and sometimes I'm 15 lbs lower. I know I can't ever coast along because as soon as I do, I gain weight quick! So I have to keep exercising and watching what I eat, but don't we all?
So, I'm trying to determine what my goal should be now in the summer since I do have more time and emotional energy to give to better eating habits and exercise. I ordered a Jillian Michaels Sculpting DVD this morning which I'm going to check out, and my friend told me about how compression socks really help to protect your joints in running. So, I think I might try those and see about trying to jog again. As far as eating goes, I'm at a loss. I know I don't want to do anything extreme. I had tried the 5-2 fasting diet, but for me, it does make me crave donuts and other bad food like crazy on the days I'm not fasting. Maybe I will try it again, without the stress of school, and see if I can get my body into a set rhythm with it.
I can't decide if my ambivalence about my weight right now is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess that's why I'm ambivalent!
When I look up online what percentage of people who lose weight actually keep it off, the numbers are really grim...about 5%. There are lots of biological factors which make it much harder for people who have lost weight to actually maintain that weight. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all
Call me a cynic, but I don't want to pay all of this money to lose weight this summer only to gain it all back during the school year next year. When my kids have a lot going on, and I'm teaching, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet which requires so much thought and discipline. In the past, I've thought that once I got the weight off, I could kind of coast along. But no. It seems that once a person has gotten to an overweight state for several years, it takes tons of discipline, planning, and purposefulness for a lifetime to lose weight and stay there. I know that during the school year, I'm not willing to do that.
Recently, I read an article about hospice care and the medical costs of treating cancer. http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all Several things struck me as I read this article. One thing that really struck me is how doctors don't want to accept the harsh realities of a cancer diagnosis, much less share these realities with patients. They would rather give the patients hopes in completely unproven, untested procedures which can steal the last years of the patients' lives while they chase treatment after treatment and which also cause the patient to spend much more time in the hospital when they could be at home with their loved ones. It was incredible to me that the patients who accepted their diagnosis and just went the hospice route lived longer on average and had a much better quality of life in their last years. The article is not saying that doctors and families shouldn't do everything possible to save lives, but it's important for families to know to what extent their loved one wants to pursue treatment in order to stay alive especially in this age of technology...is it worth it to stay alive when you are no longer coherent and are in a vegetative state? Issues like these have been debated for quite awhile now, but I think the main thrust of this article is that patients and families of patients need to be realistic about what their options are and should have talked ahead of time about at what point they would want to forgo medical treatment.
So what does weight loss have to do with cancer? Well, I think no one wants to be really honest about just how entirely rare it is to lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off long term. Five percent or less. I hope that my friends working so hard to lose weight are in that 5% or less category. Who at all would benefit from someone saying that losing weight and actually keeping it off is next to impossible? Not the weight loss companies, not the media, not people in the health care field. It could also affect overweight people themselves in a negative way because it might make them just throw the towel in and stop trying. For me, though, it doesn't have that effect. Right now, I just feel happy that my weight didn't get higher than it did at its peak. I feel really resolute to stop it from getting higher because I know what an uphill struggle it is to get MORE weight off.
I feel like I've plunked down so much money and dreamed so many dreams of losing weight all for naught, esp when I think about the 35 lbs I would need to lose to get to my goal weight. But it's not all for naught when I think about how I did lose about 20 lbs from where my peak was, and I hover in that area all year round. Sometimes I'm 25 lbs lower than that peak and sometimes I'm 15 lbs lower. I know I can't ever coast along because as soon as I do, I gain weight quick! So I have to keep exercising and watching what I eat, but don't we all?
So, I'm trying to determine what my goal should be now in the summer since I do have more time and emotional energy to give to better eating habits and exercise. I ordered a Jillian Michaels Sculpting DVD this morning which I'm going to check out, and my friend told me about how compression socks really help to protect your joints in running. So, I think I might try those and see about trying to jog again. As far as eating goes, I'm at a loss. I know I don't want to do anything extreme. I had tried the 5-2 fasting diet, but for me, it does make me crave donuts and other bad food like crazy on the days I'm not fasting. Maybe I will try it again, without the stress of school, and see if I can get my body into a set rhythm with it.
I can't decide if my ambivalence about my weight right now is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess that's why I'm ambivalent!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Random
A Mother's Instinct
This week this guy let me in on a little secret about guys. He told me that when a woman is angry and starts communicating that anger to a guy, the guy won't respond well. He can't process or hear at all what the woman is saying. All he thinks is: "Mad Woman" and his brain turns off from there. That struck my funny bone, but I know from experience it is true! I've also read about an emotional weapon a woman can use for her benefit, and I know from experience it works! I don't try to use it, but sometimes it happens naturally. Maybe you can guess what it is, but I can't share it here because it's a secret. :)
The other day while I was taking Tobias somewhere (he was in the front passenger seat), I went around a curve a little faster than I meant to and that universal motherly instinct came over me forcing me to extend my arm across Tobias's chest, as though that would keep him from flying out of the car.
He looked at me like I was a little crazy and asked why I always do that. He asked if I really thought that would save him. I told him, "No, it's just what every mother does even though it makes no sense whatsoever." Actually I think it is a great example of how we moms probably do a lot of things that make no sense but stem from our protective instincts for our young. It's so deep in there.
This year, I have prayed most weeks with a group of moms about whatever requests they might have. Almost every week, most of the requests have something to do with our children. It's been so nice for me to see that I'm not the only one who struggles with thinking that if I do this, and this, and this, my children will be protected when clearly that is not the case, especially as our kids are getting older and older. Many times our efforts to protect them are just like my arm shooting across my child when I'm driving. It feels good and natural to DO something, but it really is not what is going to help them. You have to put them in God's care because ultimately His protection is a whole lot stronger than your easily broken arm! Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to be able to experience the fierce, protective love a mom has for her children, though. And there are times when it is useful. Certainly, God gives it to us for a reason! I just have to remember when it's not helping anything...and when it's actually kind of...illogical.
Mother's Day/Father's Day/Valentine's Day, etc
Personally, I wish there was no such thing as any of the above holidays. Over the years, they all have started annoying me. Take Valentine's Day for instance, why can't we just celebrate our anniversary, or our husband's birthday? Why do we have to lob all of these expectations on each other for Valentine's Day, too? There are too many people who are depressed on Valentine's Day because they don't have a romantic interest, and there are too many wives who are disappointed with their husbands' forgetfulness or lame attempts on Valentine's Day. This is no reflection on Stuart. He does a better job with Valentine's Day than I do. Then, there's Mother's Day and Father's Day. Again, why is it not enough to celebrate our moms or dads on their birthdays or other random times? No offense to my mom. She's great. For me, though, I'd rather my children not have to worry with Mother's Day/Father's Day. One celebration for me a year is more than enough. On my birthday. Plus, I've just heard of many women who are very hurt on Mother's Day because they are infertile. That's probably my number one reason for not liking any of these holidays. I hate that not everyone can enjoy the celebrating, and instead, these holidays make some people more aware than ever that they don't have a romantic interest or they don't have a child. It's just not necessary. Bah Humbug.
Mad Woman
This week this guy let me in on a little secret about guys. He told me that when a woman is angry and starts communicating that anger to a guy, the guy won't respond well. He can't process or hear at all what the woman is saying. All he thinks is: "Mad Woman" and his brain turns off from there. That struck my funny bone, but I know from experience it is true! I've also read about an emotional weapon a woman can use for her benefit, and I know from experience it works! I don't try to use it, but sometimes it happens naturally. Maybe you can guess what it is, but I can't share it here because it's a secret. :)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
How do you feel?
A couple of weeks ago, my youngest child posed a pretty profound question. He asked if I thought people felt very differently. I asked him to elaborate. He said something like, "I wonder if I put who I am in another person's body, if I would feel very differently. Would my life be kind of similar to how it is now or would it be completely different."
"You mean, you wonder how different life would feel if you were in a tall kid's body or if you were in the body of someone who has autism or in someone's body who is really athletic?" He said that was exactly what he meant. I told him it would probably vary according to what the difference was. He said he just wondered if all people pretty much have the same amount of happiness and sadness in their lives.
This question of his has truly filled my mind with wonderment for the past few weeks. I look at people of all shapes, colors, and ages and I wonder. I wonder what my son was wondering. Are our life experiences pretty much the same or are they radically different?
One time a friend of mine was telling me that we all feel the same depth of emotion regardless of what is going on in our lives. I believe the example she used was that a middle-class housewife might become besides herself with frustration that her carpets need to be replaced, but she knows they can't afford it. At the same time, a woman from a low socio-economic background might feel the same level of frustration that there are drug dealers who hang out near her apartment who threaten her security. Clearly, the person from the poorer neighborhood has more reason to be upset, but the middle-class woman will work herself up into just as much of a tizzy. My friend said that is how we are wired: to have our ups and our downs no matter what the circumstances are that we find ourselves in.
She makes an interesting point, and I think of her point whenever I am experiencing a "first world problem"...like the anger that I feel when I try to login to my gmail account, but it won't let me until I put in the code they send to my cell phone, forcing me to track down my cell phone....EVEN THOUGH I have checked the box that says to trust this computer and don't verify it again!!! So maddening!! Look at me: I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. ;) It is at those times sometimes that I think about the people in Tanzania who Stuart told me about. After traveling there this past year, he said that most Tanzanians access to technologies is comparable to the technology most Americans had at their disposal in the early 1900s (except that curiously most Tanzanians have a cell phone! with good service!). They work out in the fields doing manual labor all day, and me? I'm sitting on my bottom getting sooooo angry about something as piddly as a password. And to hear Stuart tell it, the Tanzanians are much more at peace than most Americans. So, we're back to the same question: Would my life feel completely different if my soul was in a Tanzanian body...in Tanzania?
Just living my life thus far, I can safely say that my 33-year-old self lived a very different life than my 44-year-old self is now living. Having babies whose lives were so dependent on me filled me with thick anxiety every day for years. I had trouble going to sleep, and when I did sleep, I would dream of things like my babies crawling to a 2nd story window and falling out, dying. This was a reoccurring dream. (My daughter recently told me about a dream she had where there was a DNA storage facility where you could pick up whatever DNA you needed to heal anyone who was injured or who had died...while according to my son, this doesn't make any biological sense, I loved her optimism. I hope she keeps dreaming that. :) I was sleep deprived, and my cortisol levels never could seem to catch up. To this day, there are mornings when I forget that I'm not 33 any more, and I wake up feeling like a ball of nerves with my heart racing and my neck throbbing. I have to remind myself that my youngest is 12 years old now, and while I feel beyond grateful, it takes my body awhile to accept this truth. These days, I get plenty of sleep and my life feels pretty manageable. Thank God my kids are all okay, and my nerve endings have healed a great deal. It's a completely different life where I can actually enjoy going on a date with my husband!
If the life I'm experiencing today is very different from the one I experienced years ago, surely the life experience of one person to another are very different, as well, considering most of us are at different stages. The question remains, though, about the whole of a person's life. In regards to life experiences, people's lives clearly are different and must feel very different, but in regards to emotions...over the long haul, do most people experience the same amount of joy and sadness over their lifetimes?
I believe they probably do. As I've thought about it, I believe that somehow, the amount of celebrations and trials for most people probably even out with each other. For some people like Bill Clinton, their peaks and valleys probably have more contrasts...one day being elected POTUS, the next day possibly being impeached. But, I think the joy and sorrow he feels probably isn't that much different than the next person.
What I do believe strongly is that our ability to have faith in God and His goodness is the game changer for people's life experiences. We are all going have good things and bad things happen to us, and we will all feel the normal joy and sadness with that. However, the people who are convinced of God's goodness in their lives are able to walk through the valleys of life with a quiet contentment which gives them strength. This quiet contentment makes all of the difference in taking someone's life to a different level of experience that many of us would like to arrive at, but it is the road less traveled.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
"You mean, you wonder how different life would feel if you were in a tall kid's body or if you were in the body of someone who has autism or in someone's body who is really athletic?" He said that was exactly what he meant. I told him it would probably vary according to what the difference was. He said he just wondered if all people pretty much have the same amount of happiness and sadness in their lives.
This question of his has truly filled my mind with wonderment for the past few weeks. I look at people of all shapes, colors, and ages and I wonder. I wonder what my son was wondering. Are our life experiences pretty much the same or are they radically different?
One time a friend of mine was telling me that we all feel the same depth of emotion regardless of what is going on in our lives. I believe the example she used was that a middle-class housewife might become besides herself with frustration that her carpets need to be replaced, but she knows they can't afford it. At the same time, a woman from a low socio-economic background might feel the same level of frustration that there are drug dealers who hang out near her apartment who threaten her security. Clearly, the person from the poorer neighborhood has more reason to be upset, but the middle-class woman will work herself up into just as much of a tizzy. My friend said that is how we are wired: to have our ups and our downs no matter what the circumstances are that we find ourselves in.
She makes an interesting point, and I think of her point whenever I am experiencing a "first world problem"...like the anger that I feel when I try to login to my gmail account, but it won't let me until I put in the code they send to my cell phone, forcing me to track down my cell phone....EVEN THOUGH I have checked the box that says to trust this computer and don't verify it again!!! So maddening!! Look at me: I'm getting frustrated just writing about it. ;) It is at those times sometimes that I think about the people in Tanzania who Stuart told me about. After traveling there this past year, he said that most Tanzanians access to technologies is comparable to the technology most Americans had at their disposal in the early 1900s (except that curiously most Tanzanians have a cell phone! with good service!). They work out in the fields doing manual labor all day, and me? I'm sitting on my bottom getting sooooo angry about something as piddly as a password. And to hear Stuart tell it, the Tanzanians are much more at peace than most Americans. So, we're back to the same question: Would my life feel completely different if my soul was in a Tanzanian body...in Tanzania?
Just living my life thus far, I can safely say that my 33-year-old self lived a very different life than my 44-year-old self is now living. Having babies whose lives were so dependent on me filled me with thick anxiety every day for years. I had trouble going to sleep, and when I did sleep, I would dream of things like my babies crawling to a 2nd story window and falling out, dying. This was a reoccurring dream. (My daughter recently told me about a dream she had where there was a DNA storage facility where you could pick up whatever DNA you needed to heal anyone who was injured or who had died...while according to my son, this doesn't make any biological sense, I loved her optimism. I hope she keeps dreaming that. :) I was sleep deprived, and my cortisol levels never could seem to catch up. To this day, there are mornings when I forget that I'm not 33 any more, and I wake up feeling like a ball of nerves with my heart racing and my neck throbbing. I have to remind myself that my youngest is 12 years old now, and while I feel beyond grateful, it takes my body awhile to accept this truth. These days, I get plenty of sleep and my life feels pretty manageable. Thank God my kids are all okay, and my nerve endings have healed a great deal. It's a completely different life where I can actually enjoy going on a date with my husband!
If the life I'm experiencing today is very different from the one I experienced years ago, surely the life experience of one person to another are very different, as well, considering most of us are at different stages. The question remains, though, about the whole of a person's life. In regards to life experiences, people's lives clearly are different and must feel very different, but in regards to emotions...over the long haul, do most people experience the same amount of joy and sadness over their lifetimes?
I believe they probably do. As I've thought about it, I believe that somehow, the amount of celebrations and trials for most people probably even out with each other. For some people like Bill Clinton, their peaks and valleys probably have more contrasts...one day being elected POTUS, the next day possibly being impeached. But, I think the joy and sorrow he feels probably isn't that much different than the next person.
What I do believe strongly is that our ability to have faith in God and His goodness is the game changer for people's life experiences. We are all going have good things and bad things happen to us, and we will all feel the normal joy and sadness with that. However, the people who are convinced of God's goodness in their lives are able to walk through the valleys of life with a quiet contentment which gives them strength. This quiet contentment makes all of the difference in taking someone's life to a different level of experience that many of us would like to arrive at, but it is the road less traveled.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23
Monday, April 8, 2013
TMI about PMS
I hope this will not be TMI.
During my normal day to day life, I tend to minimalize the things that bother me. I was raised that if I didn't have anything positive to say, I would either be ignored or sent to my room until I could have a more positive attitude. Maybe that's why I carved the words, "Damn Mom" on my bed frame one day. Ahem. Anyway, as a mom, I can totally see why mom reacted to my negativity in this way. No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, and I can be a damn depressing Debbie Downer! Plus, everyone knows if you want to be happy, you need to ACT like you are happy. It does no one any good to wallow around in the muckiness of life. So, I get it.
I also get that the most well-liked people are the ones who go around with a smile on their faces. You know, the ones who reply "Never better," when you ask them how they are doing. And probably one of my biggest sins is that I want so much to be liked, and I place this desire above my desire to serve God and others. So, I put on a happy face as much as possible. I try not focus on those things that bother me.
BUT THEN.....
PMS arrives (and this is where it might get a little TMI...and yes, I did just use two acronyms in one sentence, making me sound like a teenager so five years ago.) On normal, non-PMS days, I tend to sock my resentments and irritations into something like a clothes dryer. I don't see them, but I know they are in there rumbling around, over and over. PMS comes around and opens the dryer up, takes the resentments out and shakes them out, making them very, very visible to me. I no longer can ignore them. As I become acutely aware of them again, I wonder what kind of game I'm playing...not addressing them for all of this time...not praying about them...and not even being aware of them.
The beauty of PMS, as a friend of mine pointed out to me, is that it forces me to acknowledge those things that do need to be examined and possibly changed. It is painful, but pain is usually God's way of strengthening us, right? Isn't any strength building exercise like that? So, I've grown to maybe not be excited about PMS, but in a strange way, thankful for it.
The one thing that always seems to come up during my days of PMSing is my frustration and my lack of acceptance about where we go to church. It's where my husband has found his spiritual home. He's not leaving. But it's not my spiritual home, and that fills me with resentment during PMS time. While my husband has given me the option, over and over again, to go somewhere else, I tend to minimalize my issues with the church in my desire for family unity and strive to focus on those things that are beautiful, good, and true in our church. I try to focus on the thankfulness I feel that my husband and I both come from great Christian, supportive families and that I'm a part of a wonderful Christian homeschooling community. I also am so grateful for many solid Christian friendships. And to be fair, God has blessed our church with the best priest ever. If anyone is into Orthodoxy, I really don't see how they could find a more loving, learned, wise, godly priest. He's also a great speaker and teacher. So, I am thankful for him, too.
I wish I could say I have figured out what to do about this issue, but every time I get angry about being stuck at this church, the only answer God seems to give me is to thank Him for doing something through this that I can't see. It feels clear to me that leaving this church, while it would feel so satisfying to me for a time, would be wrong. So, I struggle through the pain of it, and I do wonder if some day it will feel right in my soul to leave and go to another church where I can finally be free. In the meantime, it seems to be the cross I have to bear. I understand that compared to other people's suffering, my situation doesn't seem that bad. I mean, it's not as though anyone is abusing me or threatening to kill me for my faith. In fact, most people at my church are extremely kind to me. It's just that, well, as I said before, I'm an opinionated, stubborn? gal, and it's difficult to constantly be running into contrary ideas at the place I wish was my spiritual home.
But alas, I will trust in what God is weaving in my life, and hope that one day I will understand.
My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
During my normal day to day life, I tend to minimalize the things that bother me. I was raised that if I didn't have anything positive to say, I would either be ignored or sent to my room until I could have a more positive attitude. Maybe that's why I carved the words, "Damn Mom" on my bed frame one day. Ahem. Anyway, as a mom, I can totally see why mom reacted to my negativity in this way. No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, and I can be a damn depressing Debbie Downer! Plus, everyone knows if you want to be happy, you need to ACT like you are happy. It does no one any good to wallow around in the muckiness of life. So, I get it.
I also get that the most well-liked people are the ones who go around with a smile on their faces. You know, the ones who reply "Never better," when you ask them how they are doing. And probably one of my biggest sins is that I want so much to be liked, and I place this desire above my desire to serve God and others. So, I put on a happy face as much as possible. I try not focus on those things that bother me.
BUT THEN.....
PMS arrives (and this is where it might get a little TMI...and yes, I did just use two acronyms in one sentence, making me sound like a teenager so five years ago.) On normal, non-PMS days, I tend to sock my resentments and irritations into something like a clothes dryer. I don't see them, but I know they are in there rumbling around, over and over. PMS comes around and opens the dryer up, takes the resentments out and shakes them out, making them very, very visible to me. I no longer can ignore them. As I become acutely aware of them again, I wonder what kind of game I'm playing...not addressing them for all of this time...not praying about them...and not even being aware of them.
The beauty of PMS, as a friend of mine pointed out to me, is that it forces me to acknowledge those things that do need to be examined and possibly changed. It is painful, but pain is usually God's way of strengthening us, right? Isn't any strength building exercise like that? So, I've grown to maybe not be excited about PMS, but in a strange way, thankful for it.
The one thing that always seems to come up during my days of PMSing is my frustration and my lack of acceptance about where we go to church. It's where my husband has found his spiritual home. He's not leaving. But it's not my spiritual home, and that fills me with resentment during PMS time. While my husband has given me the option, over and over again, to go somewhere else, I tend to minimalize my issues with the church in my desire for family unity and strive to focus on those things that are beautiful, good, and true in our church. I try to focus on the thankfulness I feel that my husband and I both come from great Christian, supportive families and that I'm a part of a wonderful Christian homeschooling community. I also am so grateful for many solid Christian friendships. And to be fair, God has blessed our church with the best priest ever. If anyone is into Orthodoxy, I really don't see how they could find a more loving, learned, wise, godly priest. He's also a great speaker and teacher. So, I am thankful for him, too.
I wish I could say I have figured out what to do about this issue, but every time I get angry about being stuck at this church, the only answer God seems to give me is to thank Him for doing something through this that I can't see. It feels clear to me that leaving this church, while it would feel so satisfying to me for a time, would be wrong. So, I struggle through the pain of it, and I do wonder if some day it will feel right in my soul to leave and go to another church where I can finally be free. In the meantime, it seems to be the cross I have to bear. I understand that compared to other people's suffering, my situation doesn't seem that bad. I mean, it's not as though anyone is abusing me or threatening to kill me for my faith. In fact, most people at my church are extremely kind to me. It's just that, well, as I said before, I'm an opinionated, stubborn? gal, and it's difficult to constantly be running into contrary ideas at the place I wish was my spiritual home.
But alas, I will trust in what God is weaving in my life, and hope that one day I will understand.
My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
Friday, April 5, 2013
The Next Level
I'm an opinionated gal...about some things. So, when I see someone doing something that I'm pretty sure, in the long run, is wrong, misguided, or harmful to themselves or others, it's really hard for me not to say something...especially if I like and care about the person. In my twenties and earlier, I would directly confront the person in question. Many times, this actually was a successful approach because at least it made the person think more about what they were doing, but I realized that I burned some bridges doing it this way. In my thirties, I tried to find ways not to be quite so direct, but to do it in a more subtle, round about way where the person might get the hint. To me, this seemed like the worst way to do it because I'm not good at subtle, and the person usually didn't get the hint. Plus, I wasn't able to get my fully point across. Therefore, I felt frustrated and stunted and eventually, sometimes, my opinions would end up spewing forth in an unhealthy, ugly way.
Now, in my 40s, I have eaten enough humble pie to value my own opinion a bit less. But, let me make sure you understand, I'm not opinionated about very many things. I'm just very opinionated about a few things. When people ask my opinion specific parenting questions or when someone asks me the best way to do something in particular, I rarely have a clear idea which way is the best. I'm not analytical like that. I'm more perceptive. So, anyway, while I still have this strong sense of what I think about some things, there is a little voice in my head that says, "You could be wrong. You've been wrong before." Ha! I've begun to learn the importance of letting things sit for awhile before jumping in to give my opinion. That's something kind of new for me in my 40s. Also, I have a bit more respect for other's opinions. While I might think someone is wrong, I give them more of a benefit of the doubt. I try to find out where they are coming from before I just decide they are crazy. Over the years, I have come to realize that some of my favorite people who are just stocked full of goodness, appreciate different things than I do. They want to put energies and money into different things than I do. While I might not agree, I understand that what they are doing might not be helpful in my world or in my way of thinking, but it might be helpful to a whole percentage of people who are like them. Also, I have a bit more faith that other people are smart enough to figure out when something isn't working for them or others, and I have a bit more faith that God can take care of it if they don't. My job is to cast my cares on Him. So, I've become more contentedly quiet in my opinions.
Still, I do feel a little irresponsible not to let people know my concerns. I've never been much of a fan of the motto: "Live and let live" because to me, that seems uncaring. I think the answer is to be prayerful, and ask God to make it clear when it is time to say something. I do wish many times that I could just be honest and open with people like I am with my immediate family. I don't have to have much of a filter with them because they are secure in my love for them, and they also know that I'm willing to concede when I'm wrong. I asked my daughter one day if she would want me to tell her if I wasn't keen about someone she was dating or was engaged to. She laughed and said that there would be no way I could cover that up. It wouldn't even be a choice. She would know. And that's pretty much how it is with our family and their knowledge of my opinions. By the time, we start bringing in-laws into the family, though, I'll probably be glad to have learned to use a prayerful filter because it will probably take years to develop trust with new members to the family.
The other night I was talking to a friend of mine about some disappointment and anger I was feeling towards someone else. I was telling my friend that I consistently have to swallow my resentment because it seems like the right thing to do. My friend was saying that it might be better to express my frustration to this person in more of a non-confrontational, calm, rational way the next time they upset me. That's taking it to the next level of maturity. I don't have that maturity, yet. I thought about how I've gone from being directly confrontational in my 20s, subtly expressive (but sometimes spilling forth emotional lava) in my 30s, and carefully quiet in my 40s. Maybe in my 50s I can somehow learn to be lovingly, wisely discerning about those things that should be communicated. I'm not sure how to get to that next level, but it is good to know that this is something to look towards. May God take my hand and direct me there.
Now, in my 40s, I have eaten enough humble pie to value my own opinion a bit less. But, let me make sure you understand, I'm not opinionated about very many things. I'm just very opinionated about a few things. When people ask my opinion specific parenting questions or when someone asks me the best way to do something in particular, I rarely have a clear idea which way is the best. I'm not analytical like that. I'm more perceptive. So, anyway, while I still have this strong sense of what I think about some things, there is a little voice in my head that says, "You could be wrong. You've been wrong before." Ha! I've begun to learn the importance of letting things sit for awhile before jumping in to give my opinion. That's something kind of new for me in my 40s. Also, I have a bit more respect for other's opinions. While I might think someone is wrong, I give them more of a benefit of the doubt. I try to find out where they are coming from before I just decide they are crazy. Over the years, I have come to realize that some of my favorite people who are just stocked full of goodness, appreciate different things than I do. They want to put energies and money into different things than I do. While I might not agree, I understand that what they are doing might not be helpful in my world or in my way of thinking, but it might be helpful to a whole percentage of people who are like them. Also, I have a bit more faith that other people are smart enough to figure out when something isn't working for them or others, and I have a bit more faith that God can take care of it if they don't. My job is to cast my cares on Him. So, I've become more contentedly quiet in my opinions.
Still, I do feel a little irresponsible not to let people know my concerns. I've never been much of a fan of the motto: "Live and let live" because to me, that seems uncaring. I think the answer is to be prayerful, and ask God to make it clear when it is time to say something. I do wish many times that I could just be honest and open with people like I am with my immediate family. I don't have to have much of a filter with them because they are secure in my love for them, and they also know that I'm willing to concede when I'm wrong. I asked my daughter one day if she would want me to tell her if I wasn't keen about someone she was dating or was engaged to. She laughed and said that there would be no way I could cover that up. It wouldn't even be a choice. She would know. And that's pretty much how it is with our family and their knowledge of my opinions. By the time, we start bringing in-laws into the family, though, I'll probably be glad to have learned to use a prayerful filter because it will probably take years to develop trust with new members to the family.
The other night I was talking to a friend of mine about some disappointment and anger I was feeling towards someone else. I was telling my friend that I consistently have to swallow my resentment because it seems like the right thing to do. My friend was saying that it might be better to express my frustration to this person in more of a non-confrontational, calm, rational way the next time they upset me. That's taking it to the next level of maturity. I don't have that maturity, yet. I thought about how I've gone from being directly confrontational in my 20s, subtly expressive (but sometimes spilling forth emotional lava) in my 30s, and carefully quiet in my 40s. Maybe in my 50s I can somehow learn to be lovingly, wisely discerning about those things that should be communicated. I'm not sure how to get to that next level, but it is good to know that this is something to look towards. May God take my hand and direct me there.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Working with Teens
I hope this won't come across like I think I'm some sort of expert about teenagers because I certainly am not. I just think teenagers are extremely fascinating to observe as they become their own people and begin to take responsibility for their own lives and their own futures. Every teen is different, and every teen takes a little different route to adulthood, but one thing I have observed with my kids, my kids' friends, and my students is that they are much more ready to accept responsibility for their actions than many people seem to think they would be. They know that when you let them get by with things, you either don't really care or you don't really think too highly of them. Conversely, they know when you hold them to a higher standard, you hold them in higher regard and have more faith in their potential. Yeah, none of this is rocket science, and we have all probably heard this sentiment many times before, but I just wonder if we adults really believe this or think about it.
Before you can do this, though, I think you have to build their trust in you, as an adult, that you are FOR them, and you are not picking on them. At the same time, you kind of have to have an idea of what they are truly capable of so that you don't discourage them by pushing them too hard. Invariably, though, I'm shown over and over again that the teens in my life are capable of far more than I ever imagine! That's why it's SUCH a pet peeve of mine when people start griping and complaining about the problems with teenagers. If people would just be supportive, or at least just be quiet and observe, they might be pleasantly surprised.
Yes, teens mess up. We all mess up. And when they mess up, I think it's important to hold them accountable and allow them to make amends. It's not helpful to sweep it under the rug or to nag, nag, nag about it. Communicate about it, administer consequences and move on. They will feel so much better for it. Also, I think it's so important not to peg a teen as being this or that way...they are at an age when they can change drastically from one month to another! It's important not to box them in by what your idea of them is.
When a teen in my life messes up, I usually do not want to let it slide too easily, not because it makes me feel better to get on their case or to exert my authority (at least not usually), but because I know it is good for their own self-respect and growth. They need to see that they can take responsibility and bounce back from it. It's a part of them having a healthy sense of faith in themselves that they can rectify problems and eventually do the right thing. Again, this is all just based on my observations so far. I might be saying completely different things if I was a police officer who dealt with juvenile delinquents day in and day out. I might also have different opinions in eight years from now when I raised four teenagers...so we'll see. ;) Take it or leave it.
Still, these days, not many things make me happier than watching a teenager successfully rise up to a higher standard and grow in their maturity. Really, it makes me just as happy to see growth in myself and in my fellow adults, but we adults tend to be sooooooooooo much slower in our growth/progress and so much more guarded about our struggles that it's much more difficult to see growth happen. But growth does happen, and I'm thankful that we all have the ability to change for the better.
Before you can do this, though, I think you have to build their trust in you, as an adult, that you are FOR them, and you are not picking on them. At the same time, you kind of have to have an idea of what they are truly capable of so that you don't discourage them by pushing them too hard. Invariably, though, I'm shown over and over again that the teens in my life are capable of far more than I ever imagine! That's why it's SUCH a pet peeve of mine when people start griping and complaining about the problems with teenagers. If people would just be supportive, or at least just be quiet and observe, they might be pleasantly surprised.
Yes, teens mess up. We all mess up. And when they mess up, I think it's important to hold them accountable and allow them to make amends. It's not helpful to sweep it under the rug or to nag, nag, nag about it. Communicate about it, administer consequences and move on. They will feel so much better for it. Also, I think it's so important not to peg a teen as being this or that way...they are at an age when they can change drastically from one month to another! It's important not to box them in by what your idea of them is.
When a teen in my life messes up, I usually do not want to let it slide too easily, not because it makes me feel better to get on their case or to exert my authority (at least not usually), but because I know it is good for their own self-respect and growth. They need to see that they can take responsibility and bounce back from it. It's a part of them having a healthy sense of faith in themselves that they can rectify problems and eventually do the right thing. Again, this is all just based on my observations so far. I might be saying completely different things if I was a police officer who dealt with juvenile delinquents day in and day out. I might also have different opinions in eight years from now when I raised four teenagers...so we'll see. ;) Take it or leave it.
Still, these days, not many things make me happier than watching a teenager successfully rise up to a higher standard and grow in their maturity. Really, it makes me just as happy to see growth in myself and in my fellow adults, but we adults tend to be sooooooooooo much slower in our growth/progress and so much more guarded about our struggles that it's much more difficult to see growth happen. But growth does happen, and I'm thankful that we all have the ability to change for the better.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Hold You!
Well, it's the first day of Lent. Clean Monday. I've decided to unplug from Facebook and TV shows. This is not going to be easy, but I'm prayerful that it will help me to reset my mind and my heart. Yesterday, at Stuart's parent's church, we sang a praise song which asked God to "hold me". As we sang, I remembered how my children used to plead for me to hold them when they were toddlers. They would stand next to me and hold their hands up to me and cry, "Hold you! Please, Mommy. Hold you!"
Stuart and I always thought it was amusing how they said "hold you" instead of "hold me". We figured they heard us say, "Do you want me to hold you?" or "I can't hold you right now", so they just thought that was what it holding them was called.
Since I'm not really a touchy-feely person, I thought it was interesting how desperately they wanted to be held and how often they wanted to be held. I did my best at acquiescing these requests as much as possible. I knew it was important for their development, and basically, I couldn't resist holding them for too long when that's what they seemed to want more than anything. :)
While we sang that praise song to God, asking Him to hold us, I thought about what a yearning we all have to be held. I might not always want to be held physically, but I thought about how secure I would feel if I thought of him holding me spiritually and emotionally. My anxieties would be far fewer if I thought about him protecting me as He holds me in His hands.
Unfortunately, I hardly ever think about this. I hardly ever ask God to hold me even though I need it. I'm prideful, and I push myself to find other ways to deal with my anxieties. I try to stay busy, and I look to entertainment or food to distract me and satisfy me...to hold me.
During this Lenten period, I would like to work on at least asking God to hold me. God is love, completely, and fully. He is not fickle like me. He doesn't need His space like I sometimes do. He isn't limited by only having so much time and attention to give like I do. Yet, most of the time, when my children asked me to hold them, I would find a way to do just that. So, I believe God will hold me when I ask, and really, what could be better on this earth than being held by the creator of the universe?
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.14
Isaiah 41:13
Stuart and I always thought it was amusing how they said "hold you" instead of "hold me". We figured they heard us say, "Do you want me to hold you?" or "I can't hold you right now", so they just thought that was what it holding them was called.
Since I'm not really a touchy-feely person, I thought it was interesting how desperately they wanted to be held and how often they wanted to be held. I did my best at acquiescing these requests as much as possible. I knew it was important for their development, and basically, I couldn't resist holding them for too long when that's what they seemed to want more than anything. :)
While we sang that praise song to God, asking Him to hold us, I thought about what a yearning we all have to be held. I might not always want to be held physically, but I thought about how secure I would feel if I thought of him holding me spiritually and emotionally. My anxieties would be far fewer if I thought about him protecting me as He holds me in His hands.
Unfortunately, I hardly ever think about this. I hardly ever ask God to hold me even though I need it. I'm prideful, and I push myself to find other ways to deal with my anxieties. I try to stay busy, and I look to entertainment or food to distract me and satisfy me...to hold me.
During this Lenten period, I would like to work on at least asking God to hold me. God is love, completely, and fully. He is not fickle like me. He doesn't need His space like I sometimes do. He isn't limited by only having so much time and attention to give like I do. Yet, most of the time, when my children asked me to hold them, I would find a way to do just that. So, I believe God will hold me when I ask, and really, what could be better on this earth than being held by the creator of the universe?
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.14
Isaiah 41:13
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Natural Motivation, are you there?
I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to housecleaning.
I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to losing weight.
I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to making money or saving money.
Ha! I would probably prioritize those items in that order: housecleaning, losing weight, making/saving money. :)
My husband asks, "Doesn't it feel good to accomplish something?"
No.
"Don't you feel a feeling of satisfaction when the house is clean?"
Kinda?
"Aren't you happier when you feel that sense of completion when finishing/achieving something?"
Not really. I feel happier after spending quality time with friends or after eating a tasty chile relleno. ;)
My daughter says, "If I were you, I would be really rich by now because I would be saving and investing the money you get each month."
I'm sure she would be and probably will be.
And why can't I just stay motivated enough to get this extra weight off of me?
While I'm surrounded by all of these motivated, Type-A personalities, they don't seem to rub off on me too much...maybe a little bit. My husband actually said I was a "hard worker" the other day which pretty much made my month. I don't have to "feel" good to do what I should do, so I won't give up on improving, but I also won't expect to have that natural motivation, either.
I have to wonder if the neurons in my brain are not firing right?
Do I not have enough synaptic connections?
Well, all of my doubts are assuaged whenever I invest time into the Literature class I teach: writing lesson plans, determining what I will teach and how I will teach it, teaching my class, and even grading papers. It is at these times that I realize there ain't nothing wrong with me or my neurons or synapses!
A fellow teacher once told me that when she is actually teaching, she thinks she feels higher than she would on crack. :) I actually feel that way sometimes, too.
I enjoy the process of watching my students grow and learn, and I enjoy finishing all of the tasks which are involved in the process! I do feel so much satisfaction from this work.
I just finished entering my lesson plans for the 4th quarter, and I feel euphoric. I thank God for giving me this "job".
I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to losing weight.
I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to making money or saving money.
Ha! I would probably prioritize those items in that order: housecleaning, losing weight, making/saving money. :)
My husband asks, "Doesn't it feel good to accomplish something?"
No.
"Don't you feel a feeling of satisfaction when the house is clean?"
Kinda?
"Aren't you happier when you feel that sense of completion when finishing/achieving something?"
Not really. I feel happier after spending quality time with friends or after eating a tasty chile relleno. ;)
My daughter says, "If I were you, I would be really rich by now because I would be saving and investing the money you get each month."
I'm sure she would be and probably will be.
And why can't I just stay motivated enough to get this extra weight off of me?
While I'm surrounded by all of these motivated, Type-A personalities, they don't seem to rub off on me too much...maybe a little bit. My husband actually said I was a "hard worker" the other day which pretty much made my month. I don't have to "feel" good to do what I should do, so I won't give up on improving, but I also won't expect to have that natural motivation, either.
I have to wonder if the neurons in my brain are not firing right?
Do I not have enough synaptic connections?
Well, all of my doubts are assuaged whenever I invest time into the Literature class I teach: writing lesson plans, determining what I will teach and how I will teach it, teaching my class, and even grading papers. It is at these times that I realize there ain't nothing wrong with me or my neurons or synapses!
A fellow teacher once told me that when she is actually teaching, she thinks she feels higher than she would on crack. :) I actually feel that way sometimes, too.
I enjoy the process of watching my students grow and learn, and I enjoy finishing all of the tasks which are involved in the process! I do feel so much satisfaction from this work.
I just finished entering my lesson plans for the 4th quarter, and I feel euphoric. I thank God for giving me this "job".
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
These things have a way of working out
A few years ago, I used to spend many mornings at a local health club jogging on a treadmill which overlooked a fairly busy street. In my boredom, I would watch, and sometimes even count, the cars go by. As I observed the flow of traffic on this street, one aspect that surprised me was how often there would be a long, seemingly never-ending stream of cars that would pass by and then a few minutes later there would be a complete lull with absolutely no cars whatsoever. In noticing this, I concluded that perhaps I should stop worrying so much whenever I needed to pull out onto a busy road. Maybe I didn't have to forcefully push the pedal to the medal in a somewhat unsafe way in order to make it to my destination because maybe a perfect pause in traffic was just around the corner. I theorized that if I objectively observed traffic elsewhere, I would find that those lulls in traffic didn't just occur on that one particular street in front of the health club.
Over time, I noticed that these pauses in traffic happen in most places, most of the time. And when they don't, there is almost always a nice person who will let me in. This seems like such a small, insignificant discovery, but it truly allowed me to become a more peaceful driver. I realized there is no point in getting worked up or overwhelmed by the traffic because there had never been a time I wasn't able to make it to my destination because of the obstacles of traffic...I might make it there later, but I've always made it.
As I thought more about this discovery, I started pondering over whether this is true in life in general.
Over time, I noticed that these pauses in traffic happen in most places, most of the time. And when they don't, there is almost always a nice person who will let me in. This seems like such a small, insignificant discovery, but it truly allowed me to become a more peaceful driver. I realized there is no point in getting worked up or overwhelmed by the traffic because there had never been a time I wasn't able to make it to my destination because of the obstacles of traffic...I might make it there later, but I've always made it.
As I thought more about this discovery, I started pondering over whether this is true in life in general.
What about all of those times when I have become overwhelmed by the endless amounts of tasks I need to complete? What about all of the times when I have felt frustrated because I can't seem to engage in important, meaningful activities because the "necessary", practical tasks block them or overrun them?
When I was thirty years old, I had four-year-old daughter, a three-year-old son, and a newborn baby boy. I had never been so busy and so exhausted in my entire life. Soon after I had my baby boy, I was telling my mother that I earnestly desired to take some newborn pictures of him so that I could send them out as birth announcements to our friends and family before he was a teenager. However, I just didn't see when I would ever possibly have the time to do this because the children and the housework seemed to be demanding every bit of my waking hours. I remember my mother confidently saying, "Oh, you'll get some time to do that eventually. These things have a way of working out."
I incredulously thought to myself that she obviously didn't know what she was talking about. Any free time I did have was spent trying to catch up on much needed sleep. I remember explaining to my husband that getting anything done around the house with three children under the age of four was like trying to walk through a creek bed full of molasses. Progress came very slowly.
Maybe you are a pro at multi-tasking, and maybe you are able to decisively and rapidly accomplish necessary tasks. Unfortunately, that's not me. I am a dismal failure at multi-tasking or getting work done quickly, and I'm not as organized or as disciplined as I should be. Still, I have observed that most people, no matter how great their capacity is for accomplishing tasks, experience this same feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do what they really want to do.
Maybe you are a pro at multi-tasking, and maybe you are able to decisively and rapidly accomplish necessary tasks. Unfortunately, that's not me. I am a dismal failure at multi-tasking or getting work done quickly, and I'm not as organized or as disciplined as I should be. Still, I have observed that most people, no matter how great their capacity is for accomplishing tasks, experience this same feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do what they really want to do.
Well, I'm here to tell you that my mother was right about "these-have-a-way-of-working-out". I remember that glorious Saturday when my kind husband took our four-year-old and three-year-old to a birthday party for three hours! It was a beautiful day with my newborn. What a gift from God! I put all kinds of cute outfits on our new baby and took pictures of him outside on a blanket, in his bouncy seat, and propped up on our bed. It was a precious respite from the normal busyness of my life. Yes, it was a much needed "lull in the traffic"!
Every once in a while, my to-do list stacks up once again with crucial tasks that must be accomplished. As I work to complete these tasks, I begin to feel distressed because I wonder if I will ever have time to pursue the activities, goals, projects that are weighing on my heart...things which might not be urgent but are still important in some way. I have found it's beneficial to remember those things and keep hoping, watching, and praying for a "lull in traffic". Eventually, if I am patient, I will reach our destination without having to force my way out there. It will happen if it is meant to. For some desires, it might not happen for a whole season of life, for others, it might happen tomorrow! Overall, as my mother said, "These things have a way of working out."
Being busy with the God-given, ordinary tasks in our lives truly is a blessing. This labor is good for our souls, and our continuous, consistent work is extremely important. At the same time, when we recognize that God has given us a breather, we should enjoy it fully with absolute gratefulness! As we trust in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts because He loves us. Just as He stopped the Jordan River from rushing by so that the Israelites could cross it, He can stop some of the busyness for a time to bring us the refreshment we need. Just watch and pray.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Being busy with the God-given, ordinary tasks in our lives truly is a blessing. This labor is good for our souls, and our continuous, consistent work is extremely important. At the same time, when we recognize that God has given us a breather, we should enjoy it fully with absolute gratefulness! As we trust in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts because He loves us. Just as He stopped the Jordan River from rushing by so that the Israelites could cross it, He can stop some of the busyness for a time to bring us the refreshment we need. Just watch and pray.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Thursday, January 24, 2013
iphones and Welfare
So many times, I hear these kinds of sentiments. People are upset when they see a person who is receiving public assistance and is wearing some name brand shoes/clothing and also has a nicer phone than they have. I'm not a financial person, and I don't think too much about how much money our family pays in taxes. So, that's probably part of the reason it typically doesn't bother me too much when I see someone on public assistance spending more on something than I personally would.
Another reason it doesn't bother me too much, though, is because I've watched how at least one person on public assistance lives. This person will get some money from some governmental entity and then will spend way more on something than they can afford, and then, they sacrifice greatly until they get their next check. They have to scrimp and go without so much that by the time they get their next check, they overspend once again. It's feast or famine. They don't seem to know how to live any other way. It's a pattern that is probably pretty ingrained. They probably know they can't afford to buy the nice phone or shoes or whatever, but they do it anyway, even if it means subsisting on Ramen noodles for days.
I sure don't want to switch places. I have really mixed feelings about what the solution is for people who can't seem to make it without public assistance. I vacillate wildly between thinking people will never change as long as we keep throwing money their way, but at the same time, people do truly need help, and I'm thankful they are able to get help in our country. So, I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all-solution, but I will say, I usually don't feel like complaining about this or that item that they have which is better than mine. The thing people who are on public assistance don't have is any security. They live from hand-out to hand-out, and what recourse do they have if the government or the non-profit agency decides not to give them money any more? Not much. They are at the mercy of everyone else. They can't take anyone to court. Truly, none of us has complete security. Still, when you have a job or know you have the skills/education to get a job, you have quite a bit more stability in your life. While it's very annoying to me in one sense, it kind of makes sense to me why people on public assistance spend their money right away...they've been doing without for so long that they want to fill up while they can.
The major reason I don't feel really judgmental about the way people on welfare spend their money is because of my lack of discipline in the area of eating. Just like someone who doesn't have a lot of money to spend, I don't have a lot of calories I can eat per day. I'm limited. Even though I know I can't afford to eat much without seeing it on the scale, I still do it. Then, my weight creeps up, and I have to become really strict and do without for awhile just to keep my weight at 35 pounds over my ideal weight. I work really hard and then I get 30 pounds over my ideal weight, and I feel so good that I overeat..for awhile. Feast or famine. Literally. How can I judge someone who is not disciplined with money when I'm not disciplined with food? It's not a perfect analogy, I know, but I do feel like a hypocrite whenever I find myself looking down my nose at someone who is spending money they don't have or spending their money in stupid ways. I eat calories I can't afford and make stupid food choices almost every day. I'm not giving up. And they shouldn't either. However, I acknowledge that it's damn hard to make good choices even when you know it's worth it.
It seems to me that the people who get the most annoyed with "people on welfare who have iphones" are the people who are very disciplined and work hard in every area of their lives. People who have always been in control of themselves. I admire these people, and in a way, I feel like they have a right to judge, but I still don't think it's good for their souls to be angry and unforgiving of the rest of us messed-up slackers. Instead of being angry and complaining, I would hope they would use their disciplined drive to help find solutions and to pray.
Trying to help someone improve their situation is very complicated, and they personally have to want it, I mean really, really want to change...Just like losing weight requires someone to really, really want to change...but maybe it takes years to get there. So we have to be patient.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
I don't like new people.
Awhile back, some visitors came to check out our school in hopes of their child eventually attending. This is a perfectly beneficial, important action for any parent to take if they are interested in our school. I, in fact, did the same thing eight years ago. When Katherine and I visited, I will never forget the kindness of the other moms who worked there. Still, whenever I hear we're going to have a visitor, especially someone who is going to visit my class, I'm not real thrilled about it. I feel nervous about their judgments.
I try to tell myself to just teach like I normally do, and if the parents are not impressed or happy, it's better they know what they would be getting ahead of time. I try to tell myself that my teaching alone is probably not going to make or break their decision. I try to tell myself that most parents will look at the school as a whole, and we have a great school, so I shouldn't sweat it. Finally, I try to tell myself that I do have my strengths as a teacher. All of this talking to myself doesn't really help. I'm just relieved when it's over.
Anyway, after that long Monday when we had visitors on campus, Stuart asked me how my day went, I curtly told him we had new people visit the school that day, and I don't like new people.
He challenged, "Oh c'mon! That's not nice, and that's not true. You don't even know the new people, so how could you say you don't like them."
"I just feel very uncomfortable with new people. I don't know where they are coming from," I explained.
"Well, that's somewhat understandable. Why don't you just say that? That's so much better than just saying you don't like them," he said.
That's my babe. He keeps me honest and calls me on my stuff.
I so wish I was like my mom and my daughter who delight in meeting new people. They see new people as new possibilities for friendships, connections, and excitement. I, on the other hand, tend to see new people as potential problems. Again, I do try to put myself in new people's shoes. I know how hard it is to be new. So, even though I have a crummy attitude about new people, I sometimes FORCE myself to talk new people, especially new people who are alone, looking awkward. I'm usually glad when I do. I just wish I authentically had a good attitude on the inside.
Well, later, I found out the visiting child would indeed be enrolling in my class, and I felt this sense of dread creep in. I instantly started worrying about whether my teaching would be acceptable for this new family. What if they had all sorts of suggestions for my teaching? I tried to be strong and look on the bright side that even if the family wasn't happy with my teaching, maybe they could give me helpful feedback. Maybe the suggestions would be beneficial. I needed to keep an open mind. However, I also felt worried about what a new student would mean to the dynamics of the class. Another worry I had was that I perceived this family as being braniackish, and even though I already have braniacs in my class who seem to be learning just fine, and even though I have many close friends and family who are "gifted", my stinkin' thinkin' kept me from seeing the possibility that maybe this new family might be a positive addition or that I might actually like these new people.
I was wrong. I do like them. A lot! In fact, I'm honestly pretty shocked about how happy I am that they joined our school community.
I feel like "Sam-I-am, I do not like green and ham" except for it's,
"Kori-I-am, I do not like these new people."
(okay that didn't rhyme or really work, but you get the point.)
Then, God whispers, "Try them, give them a chance, and you may.
Try them, and you may, I say."
And just like Sam-I-am, I find myself replying,
"I do so like
these new people!
Thank you! Thank you!
Kori-I-am."
And God and Stuart say, "See."
And God and Stuart say, "See."
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Be who you are....but maybe not too much
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Dr. Seuss“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ~Bob Marley
As I have "stalked" my kids' friends and acquaintances profile pages on Facebook, these two quotes are by far the most popular quotes.
I like both of these quotes because there is truth to both of them which might ease some anxiety, that especially teens might feel. Teenagers, especially middle-schoolers, have probably gone through a period when the hurt they have experienced is more excruciating than they could have imagined. I know this was the case for me at that age. So the Bob Marley quote helps them (and us) to feel some relief that we have all been hurt by even the people we love the most, and it's okay. It's part of the human experience. The quote also gives some feeling of control that even though you can't stop someone from hurting you, you can choose WHO is going to hurt you. However, the quote bothers me a little bit in that it might give too much license acceptance for people to be hurtful. Inadvertently hurting someone is one thing, and it is bound to happen in even the best relationships. Obviously though, we should strive to be in relationships where we mutually try to support each other and promote the best in each other. This quote on it's own only speaks to determining our most intimate relationships based on who is worth enduring the hurt they will incur. That seems like a flawed way of determining who your closest friends will be. Maybe he would say that those worth suffering for are those who you are mutually supportive with and who you have grown to love. So, like I said, overall I like the quote. I just think there is more to be said about who is worth suffering for in relationships.
I think the quote by Dr. Seuss is really helpful to teenagers, too, because teenagers are beginning the process of self-realization. They are trying to figure out who they are, what they believe, what their gifts and talents are, and what they want their futures to look like...apart from their parents. So, the quote from Dr. Seuss gives them permission to do that. Be who you are! Say what you feel! Probably for many of them, they NEED this encouragement so that they will break through some of the peer pressure they feel to conform. However, the second part is not completely true, as anyone past 30 years old should know. "Those who don't matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter." Believe me, if I said everything that goes through my mind, it matter to my friends and family, and they DO matter. Clearly, we can't all be completely transparent with everyone. Maybe we can't be completely transparent with anyone except for with God.
Still, the truth to that quote is that we can hope to find people who will appreciate and accept the essence of who we are, people who we can be "real" with. Those are the people who do mean so much to us on this journey of life...the people who "don't mind" or who forgive our idiosyncrasies or weaknesses...the people who can even find them endearing in a way, or who are at least able to look past them. This quote has actually helped me a lot in the past year. The point is, I know my family and my best friends know my strengths and weaknesses, and they accept me. They are the ones who matter to me. If people want to judge my weaknesses and hold them against me, that's up to them. I'm not going to waste a lot of time worrying what they think of me. I'm just so grateful for the friends and family whom I endeavor to love, despite their flaws, and who do the same for me...
but it's still important to try to keep listening to God and letting Him show us how we can grow to be more like Him.
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