From the time I was a young girl, I felt a keen sense of God and His love in my life.
I'm so thankful for that.
I will never forget the "Purple Puzzle Tree" album and books my mom bought me with stories and songs from the Old Testament. I memorized every word of it, and God used in my life over and over as I would remember important points from the stories at just the right times. I remember the times when my mom would remind me to pray for my enemies, and she would also repeat many times to me that if God is for me who can be against me? Later, I devoured a devotional book my mom gave me entitled, "If God Loves Me Why Won't My Locker Open?" Again, this book truly fed and nourished me spiritually for a few years. God had taken hold of my life in a powerful way. I knew I was His. We attended a Methodist Church, and my mom went to Bible Study Fellowship. I enjoyed going to United Methodist Youth "UMY", for years, but it was, in my estimation, pretty spiritually lacking because we didn't seem to learn much about God or the Bible, but I loved hanging out with my friends there. My only remembrance of anyone trying to teach us anything was when one parent had us read the words of the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. That's about as spiritual as we got. I remember one year they brought on a young, single woman to work with our UMY group, and I was so excited to have someone besides my parents to talk about spiritual things with, but I think she ended up having a drinking problem? And she soon quit. Be that as it may, my three very best friends were in UMY with me, and one of my friends and I would talk about God, prayers, spiritual experiences, and questions we had for hours...and hours...even after we got into college. Today, he is a Methodist Preacher, and I'm so proud of him and thankful that God provided a true spiritual friend to bounce ideas off of for all of those years.
In 1984, we moved to Austin, and I began my junior year at a much bigger high school. I was so alone, and I was asking God to please just give me a best friend here. We began attending a Bible Church, and I went to the youth group. The youth pastor was a lot of fun and always was so kind to try to include me in events, but I never was able to meet anyone I really connected with. Instead, there were kids in the group who wouldn't so much as return a "hello" to me at school. Eventually, a younger, curly-haired, dorky/genius kid who lived a couple of doors down and seemed to have a crush on me, asked me to go to an Evangelism Explosion class at his church. Little did I know that it was going to be me, the neighbor boy, and the assistant pastor, but I was so spiritually hungry that I kept going. I was shocked to find out that I probably wouldn't be considered a Christian in their minds because I hadn't officially said the sinner's prayer, and asked Christ to control my life. I wasn't sure that was necessary because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a Christian. The assistant pastor spent hours with me, arguing with me and giving me verses to support his points. I didn't agree with him much of the time, but I had to ask myself, why it was so hard to confess that I was a sinner who needed a savior. Why was it so hard for me to admit that my best efforts were like filthy rags to God? Why couldn't I tell Christ I wanted to give Him control of my life? During the summer of 1985, I really struggled with this. After a few weeks, the neighbor boy dropped out of the class, no longer having a crush on me. :p It think he became tired and frustrated with all the debating. So it was just me and the pastor. I kept wondering if I was truly ready to make a commitment like this when I was only 16 years old. I remember deciding that I better go out and party first, for one night, and make sure that I didn't want to go that direction before I made a commitment like this. I went down to sixth street, played quarters, and got drunk. I hated that night. It held no appeal for me. So, I confessed my sinfulness to Christ, asked Him to be my savior. I committed my whole life to Him where ever that would take me. It really meant something to me, and I grew more and more in love with Him, and more passionate about my faith. Christ had answered my prayers for a best friend.
He was it.
He was it.
During the summer before I left for college, God sent a junior from the same college I would be attending to lead a girls' summer Bible Study at my church. We soon became fast friends. I had never seen someone who lived every moment for Christ like she did. I wanted to be like her. So, it was no surprise when I started going to the same church with her in college. I could write pages about this time in college, but suffice to say, for the most part, it was not a pleasant time in my life. I did make some beautiful friends, and it definitely wasn't all bad, but I would say it was a confusing time. The church I went to was pretty controlling. We were each other's severe "accountability partners". We were not to date anyone, and we were supposed to eat all of our meals together where we constantly talked about Bible verses and how God "spoke to us" that day. We went around evangelizing much of the time, using the "Four Spiritual Laws" booklet, and as a Resident Assistant, I would post Bible verses in the bathroom stalls of my hall so that these girls would be forced to read the Bible while they were doing their business. Let's just say that we were looked upon with great suspicion on campus, and we were so pushy and obnoxious that we were probably rightfully persecuted. After my sophomore year of college, I decided that this was all too much, and it was unhealthy, and I needed a clean break.
I soon transferred to the University of Texas. I was so happy to be able to just breathe again and not have someone constantly watching me or keeping me accountable and not have to look at every person I met as someone to evangelize. I was so happy to listen to music that wasn't Christian. I guess I kind of rebelled, but I still loved Christ, and I just wanted to find a safe, healthy place to go to church. It's difficult to describe why my experience at this church was hurtful to me, but it was. I was probably naive and trusted the spiritual discernment of the church leaders too much, but now I'm probably overly cautious and cynical about trusting church authorities. I don't know. On the flip side, I did learn so much about the Bible at this time and as I said, I made some amazing friends, so God did bless me in many ways through this experience. Still, whenever I see or hear a "zealous" person, my impulse is to run as far away as I can. Because of this experience, I rarely want to hear someone's spiritual, excited, enthusiastic talking...in fact, it has a negative effect on me most of the time. I really want to see spiritual actions. I want to SEE love. I want to SEE humility, if I am ever going to trust anyone spiritually. Many times, I see both the zealous talk and loving actions, coexisting in people, but I still have a hard time shaking my suspicions of people.
After awhile, I began going to the Bible Church where my family attended again, and I started doing a Bible Study with a group of High School girls. I soon met Stuart who was working with the junior high boys. In Stuart, I found the perfect Christian man I was praying for. He was truly committed to Christ in a quiet way. His actions showed what he really cared about, and he was faithful. I loved his depth, his wisdom, his stability, and his faith. I couldn't believe my good fortune to find him and that he actually loved me, too. We were spiritually bonded very quickly, and about 9 months after we started dating, we were married.
Not too much time passed before we decided to look into becoming missionaries. As we looked into becoming Wycliffe Bible Translator missionaries, Stuart started having some major questions about the Protestant church and where we got our Bible. You can see where he was coming from in his blog here: http://stuyoder.wordpress.com/2009/06/
This was very disconcerting for me because I was happy in the Protestant church. I was EXTREMELY happy as a BSF/CBS leader. I felt I was where God wanted me. I didn't happen to have the same questions as he did, so therefore I didn't have anything answered for me at the Orthodox Church. However, it seemed clear that he would never go back to the Protestant church again. I decided that since we had three children by then, I needed to just go with it. Part of going with it was no longer going to BSF or CBS because it caused so much confusion in me. So we've been at the Orthodox Church for 11 years now. I have tried to make it work for me, but I cannot accept it fully. There is beauty there. There are beautiful Christians there who I love dearly. Still, it is not the church I would have chosen for my family. I read a quote recently where a young woman explained why she couldn't become a Christian. She said something like, "That's like deciding that pancakes are going to be your favorite food. If they are not your favorite food, they just aren't. If I don't believe in Christianity, I just don't. I can't force myself to believe it." Orthodoxy just isn't my favorite spiritual food, but apparently, it is my husband's favorite food. I try to tell myself to "Be still and know that He is God", but it's tough. Stuart, as much as he loves me, is not leaving this church. He is committed to it. It is my children's church home. If Stuart and the kids are going to be there, what sense does it make for me to go somewhere else. What is the answer? Should I just be more of a nominal member of the Orthodox church and go to a Bible Study somewhere else?
One thing that has come out from writing this is that (1) God has always been a faithful shepherd to me in my walk with Him, and I pray that He will do the same with my kids. Great is His faithfulness. (2) The ways God has worked most powerfully in my life has usually not been in the church, but through the Bible, books, and relationships. Maybe I don't need to put so much stock in what church I happen to be at.
Thankfully, the Orthodox Church does hold many of the same essential truths as Protestants do, so I can focus on these things.
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